sigh...a lot of what's difficult for me in the coping process is the relationship i have with my boyfriend. everytime i see him or talk to him it's a reminder of what happened...knowing how hurt he is but just won't say, and how the incident came about in the first place.
with everything that he must be going through in the aftermath of the event, i would like him to talk to me about his feelings so that i can know where he's coming from. however, in his eyes it's hard for him to come to me and openly have a discussion about this as he knows the hell i'm experiencing as well.
the past two days have been especially hard...just on friday i finally gathered up the courage to tell my sister about what happened. she is the first one in my family to know about all this. it was painful and difficult to tell her, but i'm glad that i did. she was very supportive.
my thoughts are racing so my writing is a little unorganized.
after telling my sister i find myself in a very tough situation...telling my parents the news. so ever since i had that conversation with my sister i've been stressing and depressed in not knowing what it is i should do. but the cherry on top of this mess started yesterday when i went to see my boyfriend.
periodically he asks me questions pertaining to either the incident or my past dating history with the guy who raped me. i try not to think much about it, because i know the main reasons on his inquiries are solely for his own piece of mind. it does hurt, but i guess what hurts more is today i had a conversation with him through text while he was on break at work. we were joking about a few things at first, but it eventually escalated into something that shouldn't be joked about. he brought up the past again with the rapist, and openly criticized my views and my past decisions and how wrong it is for me to think the way i do and why things happened the way they did.
needless to say, i felt very insulted and offended. as much as i'd like him to be open with me, he crossed the line today. it makes me wonder if he ever thought what his words would mean to me, and how it must make me feel...? going through everything and now this...
i'm trying very hard in not letting this get to me...because this is the time when i especially need to be strong for myself. i have the preliminary hearing this coming friday where i will face the perpetrator for the first time since the incident happened. it isn't mandatory that i go, but i think it is a good opportunity for me in helping myself grow stronger and allowing myself to maybe have some kind of closure, and take more steps in moving past this.
as far as the tension between the boyfriend and i...i don't know what it is i should do. what i would prefer is that we openly talk about it in efforts to resolve the problem, but i can't help but have the temptation to just disappear for awhile...from him, from us.
i'm just really hurt. he's someone i need the most right now, and he's been by my side holding my hand throughout all this from the very beginning. but for him to say the things he said to me today...just hurts a lot.
maybe he's nearing his breaking point. i really want to be there for him, but how can i when he won't allow me to?