Laura_

Inactive Member
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About Laura_

  • Birthday 02/17/1983

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  1. future? what future?

    here comes that time again. the time when everyone in my life who has no idea what has happened to me, and a few that know but think it's not a big deal or think i made it up, ask me about the future. my answer is a big fat lie...i answer what they like to hear mostly. i'll find me a nice boy that comes from a similar upbringing and "status", i'll get married to said boy, i'll have kids, i'll be a nice little trophy wife and i might work. ppl like hearing this from me...gives them a sense of comfort...like the world is right because i fit into a mold. but, alas, this is never what i've known. it's like life got stuck for me right around the time of my c.s.a. and somehow it's never started back up. i've made career goals, i plan for that...but those come from a sense of injustice and trying to make the world right i suppose (lawyers usually have something to push them into the profession and keeping them in it). however, as far as my personal life goes, no goals, no future, no aspirations. and it's dawned on me....what does all this mean? why do i seem to be stuck in that moment. why do i still enjoy cartoons at my age? (not the simpsons or family guy mind u...i enjoy those but not as much as winnie the pooh and the smurfs and the carebears and spongebob and all that nice stuff). why do i still like stuffed animals? and why do i like to act a bit childish at times (spoiled...in need of pampering...giggly...singsongy)? did my life stop at ages 3-6? will i ever get out of it? anyone have any thoughts?
  2. i know that feeling all too well although i have been with good men, i just can't seem to commit to them... but i've been with the rotten kind too...they are b@st@rds! just 1 day at a time i guess....breath and try to deal with it one day at a time
  3. the worst thing u can do is blame urself for it, it wasn't ur fault. and sometimes we just don't want to know and ignore that ppl we love might be in pain. right now just focus on rebuilding ur relationship with her and helpung her though the pain.
  4. hi, if i may...it's perfectly natural for u to have those feelings. it's actually what i've felt a few times with the men in my life (i can't commit to marriage though...or anything further than tomorrow...so no hubby for me). have u tried sitting him down and telling him it bothers u and why? maybe by just voicing that he will understand what u are going through and try to change...or just saying it out loud might help u make the difference between other men and the man who sits and listens and understands. hope that helps, Laura
  5. tonight

    tonight...i feel like i just can't fight anymore. one would think after more than 22 years of dealing with things one would be used to it all...or at least better with it all. when does it imporve? when does the pain completly go away? and why do i want so badly to go back to being numb again? not sleeping isn't helping, not eating isn't healping either. and i suppose alienating myself and overworking myself is just icing on the cake, right? i've come to understand a lot of what happened, and understand why it happened...and i've even gotten to the point where i can forgive those who did this to me....but the pain is still there. not as constant, but there...ready to come out at any given time and ruin just about anything going on at that given moment. so...i sit here, and wait for it to stop hurting...and fail and i go out and do a million things to make it stop hurting...and fail and i go to therapists and doctors and take pills...and fail what now?