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About Beenie

  • Birthday 09/25/1990

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  1. Strange day

    I've been shaking like a leaf. I feel like I don't know how to think anymore. My mind is flooded with sadness and self-loathing.
  2. hey there! Thanks so much for the recipe! I enjoy trying to attempt new dishes (key word attempt) lol. Hope you are having a great day. Beenie
  3. Just wanted to say that all those lines inspire me as well. On SLG, Rattlesnakes always makes me feel strong and ok too. And of course, there are plenty more lol Take care! Beenie
  4. Hang in there! I support and honor you for trying to get professional help. You can do it and know that I (and I'm sure many others here) validate you. -Beenie
  5. ((((((((((Dawn)))))))))))) You are stronger than you know. Love, Beenie
  6. Body Memories

    So yeah... body memories suck... A lot. All I can say is thank God for love! Beenie
  7. I'm Waiting for It

    What has my molestation taught me? Well, one is that sexual violence is one of the most humiliating and harmful ways to hurt somebody. so, now I'm being a the worst person ever by feeling like I should/deserve to get raped. I had hiloucinations today that someone was following me... I feel so sick of myself that I want someone or something to make me know how awful I am and then maybe this girl will shut up. This isn't me talking, I don't know who is and I'm really losing touch with myself. Endless tears...
  8. "Infinity is a number. I must find it." That is the most beautiful thing I've read all day. From your pain, you have the gift of creating beauty through words. They move me deeply. Take good care, Beenie
  9. R*pe Dreams

    My beautiful and wonderful T thinks that my R dreams are me punishing myself. well, WE came up with that conclusion- yay for a T who doesn't tell me how I feel!! So yeah, it's guilt. So I'm going to try to tell people I'm sorry instead of punishing myself. So, if I say "sorry, what can I do to help?", I take so much shit off me and hopefully the guilt won't manifest into self-punishment by the R dreams. Or even if I'm having a day where all I do is call myself bad names, I'm going to try my best to turn it off so the bad names won't get reinforced by R dreams carrying self hatred and guilt. -Beenie
  10. "The mind has a funny way of protecting itself" - friend on repressed memories This is about the 5th or 6th time I've heard someone say this to me, one way or another. It makes me feel good that a lot of people I keep in contact with understand and are not judgemental about PTSD/repressed memories. Light and Love, Beenie
  11. Bathing suit freak outs

    You know what is getting on my nerves about the abuse? HE was the one who made me think my v. was bad and a target. Do you know how hard it is for me to wear bathing suits? I feel so exposed. When I was in middle school, all 8th graders were required to take a swim course. I DEMANDED that my mother buy me a cover up that was water proof so I could swim and feel safe. Well, at that point in my healing I only went in the water once. I have sad memories of looking at other girls in swim wear knowing that they felt secure enough sexually and physically to wear it around guys. At the place where I was abused, I remember being in a bathing suit by the pool and feeling so scared that my v. would show and everyone would make fun of me. I was so scared that I would somehow be exposed and I would feel the same humiliation and pain. It been years since the abuse, but I still cry if I have to wear a bathing suit. I am safe now, Beenie
  12. Happy Prospects

    Hey amazing people! I don't know how regularly I'll be updating this blog, but I very much wanted to document the news that I'm going back to PTSD treatment in late May/June! My mom pulled me out before much progress was accomplished and I am totally thrilled that I can come back to the place where I felt so accepted and got to know myself a lot better through the trauma I experienced. Well, the only thing that's been bothersome lately is the wanting to punish myself. I already have anorexia (4 years already). My T is the best ED specialist. I know I did nothing wrong, but on some days it's so hard for me to love and appreciate my body. But right now I'm in a really good place - flashbacks have gone down in number and my mom had no judgement when I told her some icky memories that have come up about the abuse. My T and I are thrilled that she was able to listen so well and I even leaned on my dad for support. I think the only thing that will haunt me are all the questions I will never be able to answer. But, that is a part of living. I'm blessed as it is to have not gotten hurt more than once by him and to get access and money for therapy. I could cry, I am so happy. Love & Peace, Beenie
  13. Jan, don't beat yourself up! You are strong and will get through this rough patch! I think it's brave of you to blog about it, and know that you are not alone in having a bad day. Safe hugs if ok, Beenie