nika

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About nika

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  • Gender identity
    Female
  • Membership Type
    Survivor
  • Location
    Texas
  1. I am in therapy but having to move in a few weeks. Still debated whether to find someone new or not. Thanks for your replies!!!
  2. borderline rant

    Odd as it may sound this is not a rant about feeling abandoned or acting borderline. This is a rant about having borderline. I feel like no one gets it. I can't talk about it, I can't out it in words. All day people are asking me questions and functioning around me. To me it sounds like a different language. I do not understand. All the time I do not understand. A friend finally confronted me about how my behavior is hurting those around me. I knew she was right. Tonight I definitely know that she is right. Here I am alone with my thoughts, and my brain starts to run wild. Not in a "omg I am going to be abandoned way" (I have learned a little better) but in a "let's think about the past and where my life is" sort of way. See my life is supposed to be different now. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I just graduated last week. Everyone told me these years would be the best of my life. After being tortured at home the first 18 years of life college didn't need to be much to get ahead. And I was right- it hasn't been much. The plan was to run away from home and find myself in college. Academics have never been an issue for me due to ability to do the work, and I wanted to be free from my mom so bad. How bad could it be? One day I am going to learn to think before I act... It's the end of college. Sure, I graduated, but with a GPA WAY below what I could have had, no friends, very few real relationships, and stills struggling with the same crap I have been. Sure, I have made some progress, but it could have been more. Enter borderline. I wish I could explain how I feel inside. It's like there is this virus in my brain that takes over and reprograms everything. Somehow though, that virus is a part of me, not a foreign thing. I hate that part of me. Logically I know truth. My brain lies to me over and over though. I hate feeling sad so much. It is like I am scared of being alone. Something about being alone makes me feel forgotten or second. Still though, I know being alone at times is a natural part of life for everyone. And rumor has it we even need those alone times. I hate how I can feel happy one moment, like si'ing the next, excited the next, and then sad. Everything is either really good or really bad. The world can not work on just extremes. It is like seeing a sunset in black and white. I'm missing all the color and beauty in things. I'm missing all the precious moments everyone else seems to get. I also know that I am hurting other people. I get it. My emotions move fast- too fast. My behavior can be unpredictable, impulsive, and hard to cope with. I can seem needy, clingy, and angry all in one night. I get it. saying what's on my mind is SO hard, and that is assuming I know what's on my mind. Trust is so hard for me, even though I am trying really hard to get to a point where I can manage it better. There is a tape recorder in my head that at times can replay negative self talk over and over and over. If anyone knows where the stop button is please let me know. I know I can push the button, it just seems to be misplaced. what I would love to be able to to is to record a new message over that one that builds me up instead of tearing me down. Right now this tape player in my head simply picks up where my crazy mom left off. Maybe I just need a new tape player. Who knows? I may go wild and upgrade to DVD!!! I'm not a bad person. I care about other people. I genuinely want to help other people. I like to make other people happy, support them, and be a part of others lives. Problem is that I tend to be epically crappy at it. I don't try to mess things up, I just do. Somewhere in there they realize I am different. Somewhere in there they realize that I do not use the same words to talk about my feelings, if I use words at all. The people who actually stick around to try to see me are far and few in between. Most simply give up, as if they were trying to work a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle upside down. They get frustrated and confused. Every piece looks the same and yet doesn't fit together. They try the same thing over and over with no results. I used to wish someone would rescue me. Now I understand that I have to rescue myself. I am the only one who can pull myself out of this. I do not want this for my life and i certainly do not want this for my future. I want to be able to have good healthy relationships. I want to be able to love and care for people and to allow myself to be loved and cared for. I want to be free from this. I want to be free from myself. Right now I feel sad. I can see how I have wasted things I have been given and how I have hurt others around me. I can see a lot of things I could do to help the situation, and at the same time I am not exactly sure what to do. I wish I could explain my actual feelings. Along with the sadness I am feeling is frustration. I wish I could just turn my brain off for a few hours. I feel gratitude for the people who have stuck by me and remorse for the ways my actions have hurt them. I feel cautious, though slightly hopeful, about the future. And as always, I feel scared I have done a lot of thinking as to why I feel so scared. It doesn't really make sense. I am not in danger anymore- though my mom does still have some control over my thoughts. I get scared of the dark, bugs, abandonment, storms, sound, everything. I think though the real reason is that I am scared of myself. I am scared of this part of me that is so chaotic and destructive. I have to face myself to be rid of those fears. I have to look inside myself. It's time to grow up. I have to be willing to at least try to show people my real thoughts and feelings. I have to be willing to give it a chance. I have to be able to use real words when I can and admit when I don't know. I have to be willing to learn. I have to end this cycle in me. And I want to. I don't really know how to end this. I just needed to get everything out. Thanks if you read this whole thing.
  3. angry

    crap crap crap. i just wrote this whole thing out in like 1/2 an hour and it finally expressed everything i needed to say and then i clicked the wrong button and lost it. seriously it took me almost an hour to write and now part of me wants to rewrite it. i feel really angry. i finally got everything i was feeling out somewhere. it was LONG. and then i lost it. *Jumps up and down screaming and wondering if she can get it all back* I feel like crying. I finally had it all out and all to where it made sense and now it is simply gone crap
  4. i like this thread if you were my sister i'd tell you it's ok to cry with me
  5. blog entry title

    clearly i am having issues with insomnia again. what i really need is only online classes and work... that way i could sleep and live whenever.... i hate sleeping
  6. scared

    i have been feeling really scared at night. its not even about anything specific. just this overwhelming fear of life i guess. it stinks. i lost a lot of time yesterday too. someone in our system got angry about the past. i hate feeling like the world is going to attack me and hurt me. why cant i feel safe?
  7. sleepless

    So I couldn't sleep so decided to do some facebook searching. I managed to find a bunch of my old youth leaders from church... You know, all the ones that called me a liar and convinced me I was a bad problem child. To bad they were WRONG. Bad and hurting are different apparently. Anyway, it was interesting to see where everyone ended up. By the way, if you have a facebook make sure your profile is set to private. Facebook is an amazing tool.... Listened to music, read things online, ate some soup, and basically wasted time. Suddenly though I am feeling calm and tired. Still angry.. Need to type out some memories of one of those old youth leaders. One of those youth leaders broke us. It's been years and years and it still makes me angry. It's a simple fact of life. When a child tells you they are being abused, doing nothing should never be an option. Even if your mom plays the part of the good church mom, doing nothing is not an option. Even if it would make drama in the church and you have known the family for years, doing nothing is not an option. It is simply not an option. Stupid people.
  8. Oops

    So I realized I have not kept up with my blog well..... Oops... Today I started classes again. I have two horticulture classes and then some online classes. My horticulture classes were pretty much awesome. For one of them I have a lab. Today we propagated fern spores. Basically I chose a fern I liked, scraped off the spores, put them in water with a drop of dish detergent, and then used a pipette to put them in a petri dish with a small amount of dirt. Then I covered them with a plastic cup and put them under bright lights. I also planted some squash and cucumber in the outdoor gardens. My university has therapeutic, holistic, tropical, desert, butterfly, etc to all you can imagine gardens. We love it out back there. Next week I get to adopt a plant to make grow. That will be part of my final course grade as well as my terrarium for the lab. The best part is that I can grow what I want and the university pays for it Counseling has been really hard lately. A lot of us inside are just feeling really stuck. So much has happened with our mom and alll the feelings are so jumbled. Just nothing makes sense. Nothing. I can't get the feelings, memories, anything in to any place where I can deal with it. I am so frustrated with myself that I am freaking out. I feel like an idiot because I can't get anything to mesh. Honestly I feel like I am failing at counseling. I feel like I should be able to move forward, but it hurts way to much to do that. I wish I could feel something and make sense of something, but the reality is that I can't. So I sit here... still frustrated.
  9. i am dealing with a lot this week. i feel like such a burden on others... i feel like i have nothing to give because i cant even get through whats going on in my head. i want to be there for others. i want to be perfect some days. i want to be through this all. i dont know how to process this all. i cant deal with this until i get through it. i feel so ... i dont know i feel like no one else should be dragged in to this. im confused and therefore i feel confusing. i cant make sense of anything
  10. fyi

    May not be around as much for a week. Will be babysitting and out of town. Take care everyone!
  11. Screw it

    I was going to go to sleep. Now I am just ticked off. We ordered a book from online and got it the other day. Tonight I opened it for the first time and thought to myself "Well crap". Whoever owned that book before us was a smoker. Every single page had a scent of smoke. I tried to spray the book once through with body spray. STILL could only smell the smoke. (In case you were wondering what's wrong with me... I have sensory processing disorder... means I'm really hypersensitive to smells, sound, tastes, textures, etc). So I could not read my book. At all. I think I am going to have to simply order another copy. It made me angry. PS- This is not a rant against smokers.... This is a rant about my inability to handle a hint of the smell of smoke in a book. I hate being a freak in everything
  12. the roll of the sea

    like waves on the sea it rolls over me a subtle greyness holding my soul swaying back and forth never releasing the still of motion through this whole body unrelated to the outside day in day out it holds moving me without myself life above and live beneath but nothing sets me free the world exists within, around gripping reality i thought i walked out til the tide came in back to hold me still and carry me to sea in the greyness water rushes over me i cant see the light i hear only the birds in the greyness i hear a song whispered far above the seagulls sing it back and forth this song of freedom so i swim for the surface this secret knowledge of freedom to be free of the sea you must learn to fly to be free of the sea you must learn to trust to be free of the sea you must learn to love the sea holds you joy and life these set you free soaring up above the secret song calls back and forth here and there up to the skies it calls me up to a castle in the sky
  13. not quite sure

    im not quite sure what to say here. anyone who knows me well will tell you what a rarity that is. i tend to be a person who is never, ever at loss for words. there are some people patient enough to put up with me. some things though take my breath away i read a book today about sra. between 1 and 11 pm today i worked 6 hours and read 3. i spent an hour driving. 230 pages in 3 hours. this book was triggering, shocking, and heart breaking. it was about a little girl with selective mute. it is written from the perspective of her special ed teacher. one the teacher cracks the mutism the girl starts talking about sra. at first it is very vague- you would only know if you knew what to look for, and then BOOM there it is. eventually the teacher has to report and the girl and her 2 younger sisters are placed in foster care. the book never tells you how the case ended. actually i do not think it was solved. some things come in to better light, but over all it is left a mystery. you are told that the main character girl is doing very very well today. TRIGGER WARNING FOR SRA- specifically the spiritual aspect though not an sra survivor, i have heard of these events. as one who has DID from long term abuse at home, i have run in to a lot of sra survivors. the actual rituals do not tend to shock me anymore. the way the secrecy exists still amazes me. tonight the incredible depth of the evil shocked me. they let this girl live because they knew no one would believe her. the part i cant get out of my mind though is the dolls. the teacher used dolls a lot to try to get this girl to open up. there was a doll that represented the teacher, the girl, a friend who had died (by graphic description) and so forth. when the girl was sick the teacher let her borrow the doll that represented her(the teacher). a few weeks later while she is backing up her car the car is stuck in the snow. the teacher goes to dig out the snow and finds that doll more TRIGGER warning- sra and strong religious views the doll's head is right behind the wheel, positioned to be run over. most importantly, the doll's body is hidden under the car. The doll was placed there... and either not by a child or under adult supervision and direction. it did not matter to the ones who placed the doll there if the teacher ever saw it. it was not placed there to scare her the teacher finds this a bit odd and so goes back to the city and visits an occult store she found there. remember, this book was written before internet. once there the teacher starts to ask about satanism. eventually she tells why she is asking. the answer the store lady gave made my blood run as cold as the snow the difference between white and dark magic is explained. this is dark magic. the lady says she uses only white magic. they talk about the doll and magic, how the doll had to be placed there and how the head was set to be crushed. then the teacher starts to get a little concerned. she can see that someone is angry with her. then though they both realize that SHE was the one supposed to crush the doll. whoever did this wanted her to commit suicide. there was a powerful curse set on the doll had the doll actually been run over. that is freaky enough until you remember that the previous special ed teacher committed suicide. no one saw it coming. everyone believed her to be a happy person and well grounded, maybe a little stressed but nothing past normal. then she was dead. the rituals never surprise me any more (ok... sometimes.... but rarely). the depth of the spiritual captivity makes me pause. and then i realize.... God is stronger. We walk in strength and truth. Our God is a warrior. He has power over everything. He is mighty in battle. He is faithful. He is trustworthy... and He does not abandon His own. Our God is bigger than this evil. Our God KNOWS this evil. and through Jesus our God conquered this evil. Now THAT is comforting. We walk in light even through the darkness because we have a light that makes the darkness run in fear. We have a light that makes the demons tremble. I will love you, O Lord my STRENGTH The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my delieverer my God, my rock, in whom i take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold I call upon the Lord who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies Psalm 18:1-3 The enemy wants us to be scared. The enemy wants us to think we are small and it is huge. And that is true. On our own, facing such evil, we are small. Big God is big. And He is mighty in battle. And HE WILL NOT LOOSE!!!
  14. stupid

    this is stupid. i want to go take a shower and sleep. i need to sleep. but i cant. i hate taking a shower. i hate being in a bubble. i hate not being able to hear anything around you because of water. most nights i can manage a bath. tonight even the sound of the bath water is telling me that i need to recheck my surroundings for safety. im not really anxious about anything in particular. ive just had to many people asking me to many questions today how does it feel to be 22? same as 21 don't you just love birthdays? hmmhmhmm (ugh, not really) happy birthday! thanks (happy horror day to you too) what are you doing for your birthday? not much (babysitting to keep my mind off things and isolating myself from the world) ive missed like 10 calls on my phone. i let people leave messages all day. only picked up for my dad and talked to him 5 minutes i hate all the attention people get just because they turn another year older. it makes me angry and it scares me.
  15. shaking

    i just finished reading a book i got in the mail today. i am still shaking. it was triggering... really triggering. it was good, well written, very unbiased, and made me feel. i had to try so hard not to cry at the end. i almost made it. 22 years ago today it all started. 22 years ago today my mom held a perfectly healthy little girl and had no knowledge of the nightmare that was to come. 22 years ago today was the beginning. and it is just now ending. with i am 23 this will all be done and over. 22 years ago today a horror story began and now it is ending. i want it to end. im ready for it to end. why do people celebrate birthdays? to me it seems like marking to beginning of abuse. how do you celebrate... "great ive been abused for x years now... ? wonderful. congratulations. here's to your survival. this stinks. i hate birthdays. im so ready for it to be over.