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About so*city*girl

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  1. I've been having a bit of an issue lately. I've been through both SA from a much older boyfriend when I was really young, and rape, which was what really made me fall apart. I know that a lot of women are unable to have sex after they are raped. But for me, it was never like that. It was the exact opposite. It was as if I HAD to do it. And my tastes have just gotten really really extreme since then. I feel like I was born to be a slut. And all the men in my life are validating that for me. I've been part of the BDSM scene since I was only just turning 13 years old. So the push has always kind of been there. I was never much for the degradation component, I was always about the pain. But now I'm into really, really extreme pain and I love being degraded. I even degrade myself. If they don't dirty talk and call me a slut, whore, cunt, bitch, etc., I say it for them. Before being raped I considered myself mostly lesbian. I came out of the closet as a full lesbian and everything when I was 18. I've had serious girlfriends and semi serious flings, and slept with my share of women. But because my rape was motivated by hatred for my homosexuality, since it happened and everything that he said to tear that apart, I haven't been able to look at girls the same way. I don't even think I like women anymore. Funny that what he did set me back on course with men, isn't it? All the men in my life use and abuse me. But it seems to make me happy. I don't know if that's a sickness or what. I don't want to be treated as fragile or coddled or held and made to feel that everything is alright. I want to be hit, wrecked, destroyed, beaten to a bloody bruised mess, and fucked in every hole as hard as possible until I pass out. So perhaps I am crazy. But although I still suffer from panic attacks and very extreme post traumatic stress disorder, being a worthless slut is all I really want. And I guess that's all I'm ever going to be.
  2. I've had somewhat of a unique experience with BDSM. It started for me when I was twelve. I was a little bit dejected and had gotten into the goth scene, mostly for religious reasons, shortly before. I met a nineteen year old guy, and because at the time I was kind of a 'lone eagle', I ended up spending virtually all of my time with him. He was not shy at all about his experience with D/s, and we talked about it often. The more I learned, the more curious I became. A few months before I turned thirteen he told me that he was in love with me and wanted to train me to be his slave. By this point, I was absolutely infatuated with him. Being what I thought was mature for my age, I agreed. He promised me that though I may be in pain in order to please him, that he would never hurt me. We were together for about two and a half years after that. I never told my friends about him, and pretty much detached from the world around me. I didn't feel that I could tell anybody about what was happening, because he was so much older than me and because the things we were doing were so far out of the ordinary. In that time I became everything I knew to desire - obedient, fully honest, and genuinely happy. I still went to school and did all the things that a normal teenager would do. Night's I'd spend with E. Early on I found out that I was genuinely turned on by pain, a true masochist. I never believed in my own mind that what I was doing was wrong, just that other people would think so. After all that time spent collared to E though, I eventually realized that I was missing out on my own life. In the summer before grade 10 I took the time to reconnect with my friends and separate myself from him. I got enough conviction to delete him from my life. I'd still see him occasionally waiting outside my school, not brave enough to confront me in public, but eventually he stopped. I went on for quite a while without any D/s presence in my life. I focused on school work, played sports, did extra curriculars, and was a model teenager. Before long though I got lonely and started dating someone my own age. He was a virgin, and according to him I was as well. I let him take the relationship at his own pace. And oddly enough, through enough open discussion I discovered that he was interested in bondage as well. At that point I decided it was just my fate. I became a switch, but always knew I was submissive by nature. We had a gentle, loving relationship and enjoyed experimenting with all sorts of kinks. By university I was single again. I dated off and on and was constantly on the lookout for Doms both in real life and on the internet. I came to realize that I was bisexual, but as a choice, identified myself as a lesbian and only dated women for the next two years. One night at the gay club I met a guy who came there with my friends. Over many drinks we joked about our lives and headed back to a friend's house for an afterparty. Our conversation progressed with a little mild flirting, and although he was not shy about being attracted to me, I told him that I was a lesbian and that it was 'just not going to happen'. He seemed to understand that. After a while I was sent to get cigarettes, and he said he'd drive. We went down to his car. I can't go into detail from there, as I still haven't been able to deal with the actual experience. Since that night, I've gone through a lifetime of rollercoaster emotions. He told me that the reason he was r*-ing me was because it was a waste to the world to have me be a lesbian, and that I'd learn to like men again the hard way (among many other derogatory slurs related to me being a homosexual). He told me that he was going to take me back to his house and that he now 'owned' me. When he tried to drive, he could no longer hold me into the car though, and I managed to sneak my way out, run back into my friend's house and out the front door to hide from him. I didn't tell anybody about it. I've sought therapy online on both this website and messaging with a doctor. Some things have happened that I unfortunately have been unable to shake though. Since then, I've completely lost interest in women. My entire life has changed. I've started dating men again exclusively. Being with women, I've been unable to achieve any state of pleasure or attraction since then. I tried hiding it for a while, but had to come out of the closet yet again and break up with the woman I was seeing. I've had an extremely hard time trusting Doms as well, and yet, my interest in D/s has never been as strong, which is a problem as well. I developed PTSD and regularly have panic attacks now, which is a major problem in my kinky life, because remaining calm is definitely essential to a lot of scenes. I've been told that the only way I'm going to be able to properly deal with this is to talk to an actual therapist in person and get meds to control the intensity of my panic attacks. It's just I don't really believe in conventional medicine and shrouding reality with mood inhibitors. So at this point...I'm just a little confused. About literally everything...
  3. I'm so scared to talk to anybody else because of such terrible experiences with therapy and talking to friends. And I could never imagine phoning a local hotline and actually having to formulate words, because sometimes the tears and emotion get to be too much to even form logical sentences around. At least on here, if you get worked up you can stop typing and continue another time, because it all needs to eventually get out.