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About SilentOnes

  • Birthday 11/18/1983

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  • Location
    Washington, USA
  • Interests
    music - playing it, creating it, listening to it
    books - fiction (fantasy, historical, mystery)
    non-fiction(mental wellness, trauma, recovery, childhood development, healthy relationships)
  1. Finally Back Online

    After over a month without internet access, except from my phone or the library, we are back up and running from home. It's lovely. I don't know yet how much I'm going to be around Pandy's right now, but I'm hoping to slowly catch up on people's blogs and maybe start blogging at least some here again.
  2. Crap - now what?

    We've been working for months and really intentionally this past month to not eat for comfort if we weren't hungry. It's been hard, but okay. Last night something was really wrong. I don't know what and I literally had no way to fix it. I tried art, I tried blogging, I tried talking to my partner and getting snuggles, I tried going shopping...I even bought a chocolate bar and ate part of it... Eventually I got tired enough to sleep. I still don't know what was wrong. I feel like great now I don't have enough tools to handle things in life and I don't know that there are a whole lot more tools that I can pick up.
  3. Pink - I can relate to having a medical condition keeping you from exercising - and ugh, I still have weight gain from the last time that I was on meds. MaybeJoleisa - I think that's a good idea, to just focus on each step at a time for that day. Otherwise it's still too scary. Thanks ladies for the support. It is muchly appreciated.
  4. Over the past three weeks or so, I've been intentionally and purposefully changing my relationship with food. I've never been at a weight that I was happy with - and at this point given that we want to be starting a family in a year or so, I need to get healthy physically. It's hard. I've got a lifetime of stored messages - lots from the father telling me that I'm overweight, I'm not good enough, I need to stop stuffing my face etc. I don't wanna diet. I don't do dieting. It's just not safe for me to do that. Instead I'm learning about portion sizes and what my body actually needs given my current level of activity. I'm starting to exercise and I've lost a little bit of the weight. Now I'm scared. See when I was smaller than I am now, I got assaulted - a lot. Being overweight is one of those unacknowledged ways to help me stay safe. I don't wanna be hot or look good. Because when I did look good, I got preyed upon. In my head I know that I'm in a different place emotionally. I know that I'm at a point in my healing where it would be okay to lose the weight and know that I am still safe - that I can keep myself safe. But all I can hear is my last abuser telling me how good I looked. How much seeing me turned him on. I don't want that. Not ever. At the same time, I don't want to be a total frump. I like when I look good - at least until someone else sees me. I don't ever want to be that kind of a target again. Being overweight keeps me safe - but health wise, it'll kill me if I don't make these lifestyle changes. I hate this. I hate when survivor issues rear their head on something that I can't find a work around on. If I don't get healthy, then I'm going to be diabetic in a few years. I'm not even 30 yet, but it will be type II if I don't get things changed. I just...I'm so scared. And I hate that I'm scared. It seems weak.
  5. A Different Kind of Difficult

    I was intending to write stuff, but then This is to Mother You by Sinead O'Connor played on my play list. It was the first song by Sinead that I ever heard. A member of my chosen family introduced me to it almost 5 years ago now. It takes me back. I was so young emotionally. So very scared and exhausted all the time, trying to balance living at the house with the parents, going to college, working part time, and somehow still find ways to heal without a therapist. I compare then to now. Now has different challenges, less survival, more living. Being wife, homemaker, physical disabilities, and still healing without a therapist. This year has been a year of grief. Really it's been two years of grief. Zoe's life and death two years ago is what kick started this whole process. I've been grieving - for myself, for my own losses of innocence, childhood, safety, etc alongside losses of people close to me for two years. 5 years ago, I didn't cry much. I was focused on just surviving long enough to get free. Now I am physically free from daily harm. Sometimes my mind and soul still feel trapped by the programming and the past. Now, just like back then, I have to make the time to practice self-care. TO take time to allow the music to curl around all the hurt parts and the heaviness of living life. It eases the pain and lifts some of the heaviness for us. I have to take the time to sink into myself and just be. I'm grateful that our connection to music was only bruised and not broken by the abuse. I need it to remind me of lessons I've learned in the past, and to continue to teach me now. I needed the reminder today of then and now. I needed to remember that then felt impossible, beyond bearable, and full of unnamed fears - just like now does. And we made it through then, we struggled, we fought, we scraped by, and we made it through. Maybe not in the best way, maybe not in the prettiest way, but we did make it. This too, this too we will make it through. This is to mother you To comfort you and get you through Through when your nights are lonely Through when your dreams are only blue This is to mother you This is to be with you To hold you and to kiss you too For when you need me I will do What your own mother didn't do Which is to mother you All the pain that you have known All the violence in your soul All the 'wrong' things you have done I will take from you when I come All mistakes made in distress All your unhappiness I will take away with my kiss, yes I will give you tenderness For child I am so glad I've found you Although my arms have always been around you Sweet bird although you did not see me I saw you And I'm here to mother you To comfort you and get you through Through when your nights are lonely Through when your dreams are only blue This is to mother you
  6. I'm sorry for your loss cheli. It's hard to lose loved ones. I really hope this is the last one, at least for awhile.
  7. The Best Laid Plans.....

    We were working on writing an entry about the stuff that's been surfacing regarding belonging and acceptance. Instead, we get to process another person slowly dying from cancer. If he dies before the end of the year, this will mark the 4th death that has directly impacted us this year alone. One year. My husband's step-grandfather, my sister's partner, my aunt, and now my husband's boss (who's married to his cousin once removed). We knew this was coming, we were just hoping, praying that Boss would have longer. He's got three kids still at home. Traditional treatment options had run out, but alternative therapies were keeping things from getting worse for a while. Now that's failed, it's spread from his lungs, to his liver and femur. They're putting succession planning into place at the business and looking into hospice. My heart feels like it just can't take this. I finally was getting back on my feet after my aunt's death at the end of July. When she died I had just gotten my feet back under me regarding my sister's partner's death. It's been a summer filled with death, dying, and grief. I want off this ride. My brain is going in a million thoughts at once, my heart just feels like a cold hard lump. It doesn't want to keep feeling this.
  8. Thank you pink. I"m sorry that you were subjected to things like that for so long. While I don't like feeling this rattled with it, I'm glad that my thinking has healed to the point where I don't accept that particular view point as being correct. I'm glad I"m healed enough in this area to be angry about it.
  9. Yeah. Ugh. Um, I didn't realize that I'm still this angry about this until it came up indirectly in a thread. I knew I still had stuff to work through from this time period and situation, but I didn't realize just how much was still there. Trigger warnings abound for swearing, religion, intense anger.... I don't want to lump all the people of one particular denomination together, cause it's groupism, but I swear I have yet to find the teachings of this denomination to be any different any where I've ever gone. We went to a private Christian school for 6 years. There was a strict dress code, because we all know that women are evil and make men lust if we dare show our physical form. NO pants, shorts only for phys ed and even then we couldn't have co-ed classes for gym and the shorts....well let's just say they would never win a fashion award. They were uncomfortable as heck too. Skirts past the knees because God only knows that if a boy happened to get a glimipse of your fucking knee he's have impure thoughts and it would be all your fault because you caused him to stumble. NOthing sleeveless, definitely no spahetti straps. Make sure that whatever you wore your bra didn't show, but you'd damn well better be wearing one whether you'd hit puberty or not. Men first, don't make them lust, don't do anything that would draw untoward attention to yourself (you know, like breathing!!!!) I am so angry. It's one thing to have a dress code. It's another thing to use that dress code to berate women, to make them feel that they are responsible for every sexualized thought that a guy has. There was no room for self expression - one piercing in each ear (girls only). Hair cuts were regulated. It was rules rules rules. It was always men are better than women because Eve gave Adam the fruit from the forbidden tree. Right, cause we all know that Eve put the damn thing in his mouth without him knowing what it was and then used her hands to make his jaw open and shut to fucking chew. I know what I"m comfortable with now regarding faith. But there's a lot of anger just below the surface when shit like this gets stirred. I'm very grateful to belong to a church that doesn't care about what you wear, but are just glad that you are there. It's one of those I have never in my life dressed in a way that was immodest, unless it was at home, and the only person who was going to be appreciating it was my partner. And yet I was taught for 6 years that I was responsible for the thought life of every man that saw me. I was taught that my body was something to be ashamed of, that needed to be covered up. My dad only reenforced that view. No wonder I struggle so much with my body image.
  10. we did make it through the article. Holy tiny writing! For us, the black isn't a part, but rather it's been the dumping ground for all the crap that we didn't know how to deal with. It's like liquid thick ink and it's made up of all the reactions we weren't allowed to have. It holds the evil that we feel we internalized from past abuse. We do have a keeper of the black who is a good part who helps to keep it in check, so that it doesn't over-run us. Bit by bit we're draining off the black, it usually helps if we can express it in a healthy way (writing, music, smashing things, etc). It's good to know that we can get rid of it. Your T might have called them introjects. Thanks for sharing.
  11. it's hard to be that place of not knowing. not knowing what step is the next step, and not knowing how to take that step, even if you knew what it was. For us, parts have moved through growing up phases, psychological development stuff, even though we didn't get to do it at the "right" time. It's hard. Reading parenting books has helped - helped to see what good parents do, and helped us to understand what the next stage could look like. Right now, some of us are finally being teenagers - which means we hate all the rules, we dump all over the people that love us the most, we're self absorbed and moody as all get out. And, it's important that we get a chance to do all of this, in a healthy some what respectful way. We could move forward though in development until we started to make some very hard decisions about limiting or even cutting out the abusive people in our life. It hurt like crazy - I have very limited contact with my parents, because frankly I'm not strong enough to have more contact with them and still hold onto all that I've learned. One email, one phone call has the ability to send me spiraling back. I talk to them on my terms, even though I've never confronted them about the abuse. I'd rather be the bad daughter than be sucked back into a place where I actually believe that I am the bad daughter. It wasn't just about getting rid of the negative influences, it was also about finding people who liked me for me. Who were willing to allow me to be myselves without crushing us. People who could encourage us as we struggled to figure out a next step. We're very sorry that you lost your dog. It's difficult to grieve and try to move forward. It sounds like maybe the other states just want to be all together because losing your dog just hurts too much. It's okay to rest up and spend some time in a holding pattern, even for a little while. Sometimes we need to just stop and breathe until the next step makes itself known - and then discover that you needed that breather cause the next step is gonna require you at your best, which the resting period allows you to be.
  12. Rambling to Figure Things Out

    Serious time... ....don't really know where to start writing, I just know that we need to get shit out. We've been doing a lot of healing, a lot of moving forward. It's been really good. it's been incredibly difficult. It feels though like there is this darkness inside just waiting, waiting to take over and destroy everything. So far it sticks to minor sabotage. lately though, things have been becoming trickier. We have gone back to not wanting to be touched most of the time. It feels like something is crawling underneath our skin and we need to cut it out. Just lots of older things surfacing again. But in more of a detached way than before. The feelings don't seem associated or connected to anyone inside. I think that they are part of the Black making it's presence felt again. It's just harder to work with when it feels like it just is, with no reasons and nothing concrete attached to it. Of course, that's usually the way that it starts - the nebulous wisps of emotions, motives, thoughts that eventually coagulate into something that can be handled, processed, seen, felt. Some of it I'm pretty sure is the heat wave. It's not in the 100s, but80s/ 90s is still bad enough for me. I know that's a piece of it. But it's not all of it. I'm sure that my Aunt being near death is a piece of it. I'm sure that all the stuff that my husband and I are trying to work on in our marriage is a piece of it. I know that my sister's pregnancy is part of it. I know that our being so fricken poor and immigration and saving money just to turn around and hand it over to a government I cannot stand is a piece of it. It feels like things that I want, good things, just aren't going to happen. I'm going to have to live without ever seeing those dreams come to be. It throws us back to a really dark place inside. The only way we know how to handle those kinds of feelings is to stop dreaming, stop wanting, stop wishing - which in turn brings about the dead feeling, the skin crawling, the not wanting to be touched, the hiding, the wanting to run....*sigh* At least writing has given us a better grasp on what's going on. there is that. Gawd this sucks. Two more years or so is not the end of the world, but right now it really does feel like that. In two years I'll be 29. I know that's not old, but that leaves me with 6 years in which to have three kids.(at least that's the time frame I'd like to see with it) It means that I have to keep making good choices, positive healthy choices for two years with no immediate reward or incentive. It's not like we can even do something shorter term as a reward. there just isn't a way to make it work. we feel overwhelmed with knowing that we need to lose weight. that the weight we are at is extremely unhealthy for us - and that the best way for us to lose is to join the YMCA and work out every day. And, that requires money, money we don't really have to spend on that. That requires having a supportive husband, not just some of the time, but every day consistently there. I know what I need, I'm just not sure how to get it. I need to find the motivation to just start working out at home with a DVD. I just....gawd when will something get easy for us? Will there ever come a time when each healthy choice we make has to be remade every fucking day? Will there ever come a time when those choices stop feeling like hell on earth every single time? least now we know better what's going on.
  13. :hug: for little Lexie. Witnessing violence especially when you're little and it's right there between the two people who are supposed to protect and care for you is scary stuff.
  14. I can't say it any better than Cheli did ^^. But I'm gonna ramble a little anyways. Personal history is personal. It's not about being objective, removed, detached. It was felt, lived, experienced - and it left it's mark on you, as it does on every one. My siblings and I each have our own truths about childhood. Some of them align, some of them are slightly different shades, and there are a few truths that are very different. It doesn't mean that my version is wrong, or out of whack. How I saw things, perceived things, felt things, was different from the others because who I am is different. Because we weren't all treated exactly alike, with exactly the same circumstances - and even if we were, our reactions would still have been different because we are all different people.
  15. Change is Good, right?

    The hunny and us have made/are making some big changes in how we do things. We have canceled our home internet - although I do have unlimited data on my phone and a neighbour with an unprotected wireless internet. The point of canceling though is to spend more time actually doing things together, rather than sitting there both on a laptop, but not really interacting. So far it's been good - scary, but good. We've been reading more, playing more, well, living more in the last week and a half than we have in a long long time. So far it's a positive why am I up every night, anxious, insecure, unable to sleep, despite being extremely tired? I wish we knew. We've been dreaming in LEGO Star Wars which has been oh so cute, a little annoying, but overall beats bad dreams any day of the week. It's the getting to sleep that's tripping us up. It feels like we're just on the cusp of figuring out what's going on...and then it eludes us once more. The hardest part about the change is that we aren't reading online at Pandys and a couple other places as often as we used to. We miss that feeling of solidarity, even though we don't post all the much. There a safeness to reading here, to knowing that I'm surrounded by others who really and truly do understand how life changing abuse is and that even though you heal, move forward, there are still times, moments, when it all seems like it happened yesterday. We've been working on the food issues. It's been hard to not keep swinging one way or the other - restrict vs overeat. At least the pendulum swings aren't as dramatic again. We need to pull out of DDR (Dance, Dance Revolution - it's a video game that you play with your feet) again. It feels intimidating at times to be moving forward. We're not entirely sure where this road is leading. It's in the general direction of healing, which is always a good thing. Sometimes though it would be nice to have a bit more of an idea as to where we'll end up when all the dust settles from the recent changes.