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About Shan

  • Birthday 05/03/1988

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    Canada, Toronto
  1. I wish I were a tree

    I wish i were a tree id be the same as a sapling as i was as a seed and as i grew taller i would dig my roots underneath me sttrongly and all i would need was my own support to stand free I iwsh i were a tree though rain , wind and even people may strike me their touch would never change me, I would still be a tree and the same as I was as a seed I wish i were a tree My leaves, pinecones and bark may fall off at times .though i may lose parts of me and regardless of the season I would still be a tree and the same as I was as a seed
  2. o sweet heart im so sorry to hear that you went through another night of getting put in that place dave put you. I know you will understand what i mean by that but if not feel free to ask. Also may i say i love you dear for putting in the translations I felt like that was just for me lol
  3. Omg i know exactly what you are saying. Ive decided after yesterday i tried to cut my wrist unsucessfully that i need to be in some sort of inpatient program at a hospital or something so anyhow my mum comes to get my dog to look after him well im in the hospital and i asked her not to hug me and what does she do after just yelling at me for cutting my wrist tries to hug me! im like your the reason the rape effected me so greatly because you didnt support me or even believe me. I just thought her affection was so fake. Its my situation she cant own it like seriously
  4. SI

    i love your englishness! half of what u say i have no clue what it means, example a)doppelganger? b)spot? I really relate to the reasons to SI, like I hate how so many things can set me off. Yeah pandys can help alot like u feel normal for once. when im in public i feel like the girl who was raped in pandys i feel like a girl. do you know what i mean.
  5. Arms

    My arms are covered by many things. During the days they face long sleeves and foundation to cover up the parts of me I try to cut away the pieces of me he infests and I cant stand At night they remain covered in scabs and scars and the sin he committed in me No need for creams my tears keep the blades marks moist Should I ever escape the knife I will still be left with the reminders of how he broke me
  6. Hey sweetie, I cant even tell you how many things you said in this blog i can relate to. The whole Rape Banner I wear it daily too, and the whole finding things like the corner of a desk to hurt yourself on like, wow! ive done that sort of thing so many different times! Im glad you felt better after writting:)
  7. Heaven

    I’m calling out to heaven I’ve been calling for awhile Wont someone answer my pleas And accept me
  8. Im Sorry

    “Sorry, Blame It On Me” As we’ve gone on, I never imagined this day would come to be. I really thought we were something different that we’d last forever. So I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have done And things that have not occurred yet And the things you don’t want to take responsibility for I’m sorry for the times I befriended him I was drinking well you were home alone I’m sorry for the lies that I have told you I’m sorry for not knowing who he was I wish you could have been my first I’m sorry for the times of oceans of tears I’m sorry the times fighting for razors I’m sorry for the times calling you at 3 am I’m sorry that I am screwed up now I’m sorry for the pills & overdoses And all those nights sleeping at hospitals Because I cant help the damage that he did Sorry for the innocence that he stole When he decided to rape me that October night you have been the only one I had to talk to And I’m sorry that weight been on you I understand we have some problems And I am not too selfish to know That you have felt responsible And you have not been able to hurt outside If I can apologize for being wrong Then you can stop feeling guilty Ill be the reason for your tears You can put the blame on me [4x] Said you can put the blame on me [3x] You can put the blame on me Sorry for the suicide shit that I put you through And all the times you didn’t know what to do Sorry for the bleeding you had to stop After I cut my wrists because I couldn’t survive it You should never have had to call 911 When all of this was other peoples faults And they’d rather pretend everything was fine Then accept the goddamn truth Blaming me for what he did I’m sorry you had no one to turn to I’m sorry you feel now I’m psycho I’m sorry that I’ve turned to drugs And I’m sorry you felt I put u aside I wish I could have been there for you With all the pressure from your dad and school I’m sorry that I have fallen apart I understand we have some problems And I am not too selfish to know That you have felt responsible And you have not been able to hurt outside If I can apologize for being wrong Then you can stop feeling guilty Ill be the reason for your tears I’m sorry it took so long to see That I was dead and now draining you I’m sorry no one else stepped up to help But I really did need you I’m sorry for the hand that you were dealt For the embarrassment that you have felt Just a boy in love with a girl Who was broken inside and he unable to do the same I’m sorry for the problems with your family I hope one day your dad realizes it wasn’t you How was I suppose to know I would turn out like this When we started it was complete bliss Why doesn’t anyone want to take the blame It was his choice that’s ruined my life I was just a young girl trying to have fun Because I was seventeen and naïve ill take the blame Even though the blame’s on you [3x] I’ll take that blame from you And you can put that blame on me [2x] You can put that blame on me And you can put that blame on me
  9. Hidden

    Make-up and Straight hair hides the pain within her eyes A push up bra and long sleeves hide the scars on her arms Pearls and white shimmering tetth hide the missing part of her heart
  10. Cutting poem

    Her knight in shinning armour came to her one night when she needed to escape the parts of her she could not stand. She cut away the pieces that he had poisoned of her released her fears as red appeared
  11. She lost control one October night when evil entered her. Innocence was lost and her coul was the cost. Abandoned by her blood line no longer supported by her love line. theres only one thats there no matter what sitting in her dresser drawer it calls her name offering comfort when she cant stand a single second more She gains control one November night when a blade enters her blood was lost and scars were the cost filled with anger as she seeked a release she made a new best friend not feeling in control at all anymore! she started to cut to take the control back but now the blade controls her as she wishes to stop carving up her arms but the blade controls her shes tied to her shinny best friend
  12. I know how you feel i only leave my place with a few shots in me
  13. The Escape

    Im waking up with a hang over again today and wondering why I cant get through nights without a bottle anymore. I never drank in highschool, I never even went to high school parties. I was content renting a movie and staying home or even just watching the food network. My whole body aches, god knows what i did last night, what i said, who i said it to. I usually wake up and check my dialed calls do some clean up if I should require it. Most of my friends expect it by now, and most of my friends are newer friends however that ive met through going out every night so most dont notice me trashed because they are trashed to which works out well i guess. Anyhow now im getting off topic so here my main thought. Someone close to me told me I am an alcoholic now, and im wondering if this is true. I dont like the alcohol but i require the escape. It was at night when he stole a part of me two years ago and as things have progressed worse because of my family and now ex bf I need to fill that space at night with the alcohol to prevent myself from SI that will lead to more. I require forgetting who i am and what he did to survive. So if its true and now im an alcoholic is there anything wrong with that? isnt it better that im trashed and alive then six feet under? what do they want from me they dont live my life they dont have to share in the flashbacks. To all those people who tell me im living the life going out every night surrounded by guys that i cant remember their names, nor do they probably remember mine, they are the lucky ones because they dont need to be at the club to continue to breathe
  14. btw i forgot to mention I love dora too! I even took a uni spanish course because i figured i could study dora all the time
  15. I know im suppose to say dont cut but honestly ive promised people before to but that doesnt work for long. Dont stop cutting because of a promise you made to someone else, but only for yourself. Those promises are more harmful then helpful because should you be unable to keep it you will just feel a million times worse. When people ask me to promise i tell them not to do that because they just put more pressure on me and i end up cutting deeper. I dont know if your case is the same but maybe... you are not alone Shannon