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raw&burnt and Zelda like this

Dating SUCKS!

17 May 2006
Posted by raw&burnt  
There's this girl I like. I've been trying to hook up with her for awhile, but she seems resistant. Meanwhile, I fell for this man who's way too aloof and his interest in unreadable. I'm attending this session for actors and he wants me to remind him. At first, I'm thinking, "What am I, his secretary?" But what if I...
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Haunting Raw&Burnt

23 April 2006
Posted by raw&burnt  
I'd love to believe that if I told the entire story of my trauma, that I could get past this. I still have flashbacks about the incident and the secondary wounding that followed. I'm more traumatized about the wounding than the incident, so the incident itself was the second worst thing to happen. I have so many blank pages and notebooks I...
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My Scalp?

29 March 2006
Posted by raw&burnt  
This'll sound stupid: I connect my past trauma with the condition of my scalp.

Bare with me here.

Sometimes the feelings you suppress affect your physical health, therefore, what irritability I internalize has taken over my scalp in that mine is eternally flakey. I wash it with conditioners, I wash it thoroughly, with lots of shampoo, with...
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Porn

27 February 2006
Posted by raw&burnt  
I've been checking out way too much porn lately. I've bought the Swim Suit Edition of Sports Illustrated just to peer at the ladies, but it's too soft-core for me. Since having a man, I worried about my sexuality. Of course I still ponder it, but I'm not interested in naked men. Let's just say, the word Camel Toe...
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Man or Woman?

25 January 2006
Posted by raw&burnt  
I went on a coffee date with this woman yesterday. Part of me was hoping to be more involved with women, but I didn't even come out to her. I liked her and all, but I felt like I went there with an ulterior motive. I was nervous and had to relax myself while on the bus. I still think about the guy, but this is trying my nerves. If things go...
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The Anne Heche Syndrome

08 January 2006
Posted by raw&burnt  
I must be bisexual. I must be, for I can't focus on one specific gender. I was looking at a friend's livejournal and he's in love with Asian men. He posts semi-nude pictures, always in white underthings, and I don't get excited. I can admire their form, but I don't feel the hetero in me bursting out in me.
Last night, I went to...
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Message Board Responses

28 December 2005
Posted by raw&burnt  
So often, I'll get an email about a new response added to the "How has your personality changed since the rape/abuse?"

I gave my answer, but I always look and think about what new answer pops up. I can't ever forget it. I know it has changed me in ways I can't articulate.

I feel like I'm hiding how I really feel about...
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I Knew This Would Happen!

13 December 2005
Posted by raw&burnt  
I was thinking about him yesterday. I was thinking, what the hell is going on with us? Is this casual? Is it a friends-with-benefits things? He got upset when I didn't want to have sex with him then get gets upset when I ask about it. I'm being a typical woman in asking "Where's This Going?" and he got mad at me. What...
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Self-Loathing Diet

04 December 2005
Posted by raw&burnt  
Most people, when they get depressed, will turn to food. I lose my appetite for food. When people ask me how I stay so slim, how do I say, "Depression and self-loathing" without sounding pathetic? When I talk about my crap, I become a wet blanket and soak the life out of things. I'm seen as this perky person and inside, I can't...
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Love Sucks, Sex Blows!

04 December 2005
Posted by raw&burnt  
It's only when I'm bitter about my love/sex life am I tormented by the memories of the ugly violation. Focussing on someone, thinking I'm in love with someone is a distraction. I sometimes wonder if I'm trying to find love just so I won't have to deal with the traumas? Talking about it and various other ways of moving on...
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The 3 Year Itch.

11 November 2005
Posted by raw&burnt  
I'm into that feeling of not wanting to have sex again. After the 3 year celibacy marathon broken by two episodes with a man, I still haven't gotten closer to wondering what's wrong with me. I wish I hadn't had sex, as needed as it was. He's out of town and hasn't called. I hate shit like this. I'm back to where I was...
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Posted by raw&burnt  
I think I'm bisexual. I don't know what I am. I'm just wanting someone and it's a man. Desire drives one crazy, or at least me. I think I'm in love?

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Frustrated & Fearful

08 October 2005
Posted by raw&burnt  
I had the opportunity to have sex with a man.
It didn't even take too much strength to say no to him, eventhough he's on my mind. I don't know who I want to have sex with, which gender I want or what, but fear overtook me. I know that things always get weird after you have sex with someone. I want to break down the walls in me, have...
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Posted by raw&burnt  
I love movies and the websites that house them.
I was searching IMDb.com when I came across a movie that Richard Crenna did about playing a hardened insensitive cop who gets gangraped.

[quote]Cop Beck (Crenna) thinks rape victims "bring it upon themselves"...
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My Dad's Baggage.

22 September 2005
Posted by raw&burnt  
If anything happened to me, if I told my dad about my past trauma, I'd only get judgement. He just came in here a moment ago, wondering how I get home every night. I've gone to rehearsals and ride home on the bus. Sometimes I hang out with friends and get a ride from them. My dad has to dump his paranoia on me, getting me upset in the...
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I Hate Love!

02 September 2005
Posted by  
My WebpageI just don't trust it anymore. I forsee the outcome and I get scared. When I think I'm in love, there's a wonderful feeling of euphoria, but that's a high I talk myself out of. Love is way too painful. I don't know how I put myself in this position?

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The Tower of Celibacy.

01 September 2005
Posted by  
I saw a guy I hadn't seen for years since I left Vancouver. Before I came out, I thought he was a very beautiful man [he use to be a model!]. Since the events afterwards stained me, I've discovered women and felt that I was a lesbian. I still think I am though, but this man.....he's beautiful and since we were in the same...
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Like a Big Thorn

23 August 2005
Posted by  
I wish what sexual annihilation was inflicted in me would be summed up in a thorn that could be pulled out.Maybe it is and I'm afraid of what pain I'll feel once it's yanked.To heal is to go through the painful process.It's too scary.Although I missed the first few minutes of it, "Felicity" was on tv. It just happened to...
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The Dumbest Thing

19 August 2005
Posted by  
The dumbest thing anyone can advise you to do is to pretend it didn't happen. A neighbour told me that once when I confided in him about it. I had no reason to believe he'd bombard me with questions on how I should've dealt with it, wondering why I was so weak. I feel like that was my crime in the whole thing, that I was a wimp.Why...
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Depression

13 August 2005
Posted by  
I haven't really felt depressed in a long time. I've been so busy with the show that ended 2 weeks ago and focussing on being an actor that that's been put aside. I read somewhere in an anger book that depression is a matter of pushing down anger. You're depressed because you're spending so much energy restraining the anger we...
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