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Michael Jackson: Not Guilty.

Posted by , 13 June 2005 · 47 views

I'm mixed on it all. I avoided the whole trial, or at least tried to, but of course it was hard to. I'm not entirely surprised at the verdict. A few weeks ago, I played, Off The Wall and my mom brought up the whole Michael Jackson ordeal. After a few songs, I had to change the CD; it didn't matter whether he was guilty or not, the whole thing...

More On Dissociation

Posted by , 13 June 2005 · 40 views

Entry No.10 Explore what being dissociated or "checked out" is like for you. What happens in your body when you dissociate? What do you say to yourself internally? Actually, I hum a lot. I realize it's something I automatically do without planning. I've played back video tapes. and it's distracting to hear me humming while watching i...

Doubt Is Torturing Me Constantly.

Posted by , 06 June 2005 · 40 views

There's always a part of my brain that asked if it happened the way I think it happened? One guy intervened and told me to seek therapy for "What you believe happened", and this was moments after telling me he was giving the guy who raped me his supported because he needed it. Have you ever heard something so astounding as a friend telling you...


Posted by , 24 May 2005 · 42 views

So, I'm at work, and one of the managers is in my way of the salad fridge. I spank his ass to get out of the way, but he's acting like this is kinky. I felt guilty and apologized, saying at Wal-Mart, I'd be arrested for sexual harrassment. I wish I hadn't done that. I was being silly but just crossing the line like that wasn't good. Al...

What I Learned From This Ugly Experience.

Posted by , 22 May 2005 · 44 views

I was helping my mom run errands on Saturday. I must have been triggered or something, because I couldn't get the images of the incident out of my head. The memories were swimming around and I was still bent on being present in my surroundings. I didn't want to do anything about it. It's like I had r@pe goggles before my eyes and that was all...

Julie Posey & Other Thoughts

Posted by , 16 May 2005 · 38 views

About a couple of years ago, there was a film shot here in Winnipeg about a woman named Julie Posey and how she discovered some pedophiles going after children through the internet. Well, the movie is coming on again this month, but I won't see it because it's on a satellite station. I saw that she had a blog there and so I read most of it. It ma...

Love Is Dangerous

Posted by , 14 May 2005 · 56 views

I was on the bus yesterday, on my way to work. Whenever I see straight couples on display, I keep thinking of how normal it seems, how acceptable it is to just show gestures of affection and not think of anyone getting their panties in a twist. I have my thing with being gay because I figure if I were straight, I could hold hands, hug in public, have a ma...


Posted by , 02 May 2005 · 36 views

I'm always amazed whenever I read someone else's blog or post in the forum. It's like I'm reading my thoughts too, about how I feel, about my future and past. Coming here, I can be reassured that I'm not crazy, that others have not only gone through the same thing, but that they feel the same about themselves too. I often have body iss...

Time Machine ~ 1 May 2005

Posted by , 01 May 2005 · 41 views

What if you discovered you could use a time machine and could go back in time just once, for just an hour? That's easy: I'd go back to that incident and beat him up. Another option would be to not leave my room for a bit, or leave earlier to make the breakfast I was going to make. I don't remember if I did make it. I was at a christmas party...

The Twilight Zone

Posted by , 30 April 2005 · 38 views

There's this episode of The Twilight Zone I saw so many years ago. This guy ends up in court and is sentenced to die, then when he eventually gets to the electric chair, he's back in court, so his moment is repeated endlessly. Almost like Bill Murray's Groundhog's Day . I feel like that sometimes when I awake, getting up, triggered about...

How Comfortable Are You?

Posted by , 27 April 2005 · 44 views

1. How did you feel when you bought this book? I was shopping at a gay/lesbian store at the time, so I was more self-conscious about walking into the store than buying the book.2. Did you hide it from other customers? The other customers were other gays and lesbians.3. If you felt uncomfortable, what did you think others were thinking? That maybe they th...

Who Is This Book For?

Posted by , 27 April 2005 · 41 views

I'd bought this book a few years ago called, The Homo Handbook and found it a good read. I still haven't read all of it though, but there are some questions that I want to answer here, like with the Survivor's Guide to Sex book I'm working with. There are some excersizes I want to work with, so hence this section of my diary. I hope no o...

My Dad

Posted by , 20 April 2005 · 43 views

I was out with some friends Monday night and I came in after 2am. I'd gotten a ride from a good friend of mine, so I arrived home safely. In the morning, as I was getting ready for work, my dad decides to interrogate me for coming in late. I'm 3 years away from turning 40 and I'm being treated like a teenager. He's putting his grip on my s...


Posted by , 18 April 2005 · 39 views

When I plug myself into the tv or the computer, I feel at peace. I hate being interrupted by anyone. My dad comes into the computer room and wants to talk about whatever is on the news, but I just want to detach myself from the world. Right now, he's out of the house, so the house is quiet. I've even said in the past that I don't want to live...

Exploring Dissociation.

Posted by , 18 April 2005 · 41 views

Entry No.9 1.Explore what being dissociated or "checked out" is like for you. What happens in your body when you dissociate? What do you say to yourself internally? I never realized how much I dissociated until I had sex with women. I was thrilled to death that I discovered my most connected arousal, then months later, I get r'd. All sorts of...


Posted by , 18 April 2005 · 41 views

Sometimes I'm greatful for being on this board, sometimes I'm not. I hate that I belong to a site where I'm processing my trauma and emotional/sexual scars. I just have this huge knot in my gut and part of it is PMS. I just feel like I want to barf all my feelings until I'm empty. I hate dealing with my feelings. You can't control them...

Pleasurable Activity/Fantasy.

Posted by , 17 April 2005 · 58 views

Entry No.8 3. Imagine an activity that is physically pleasurable to you, enlivining to your senses. It could be walking on warm sand, feeling the breeze against your face, touching your partner, having oral sex. Imagine yourself in that scene now. What kinds of sensations are you feeling while you experience this specific pleasure? Where in your body do y...

An Old Letter from a Pandy's Member.

Posted by , 15 April 2005 · 42 views

Deleted by raw&burnt by request.


Posted by , 15 April 2005 · 45 views

Entry No.7 2.Take a piece of paper and make three columns, titled "yes," "maybe" and "no". In the "yes" column, list all the sexual activities that you enjoy or think you would enjoy. In the "maybe" column, list all the sexual activities that you enjoy under certain circumstances or that you might be willing to try....

Last Night On A&E

Posted by , 15 April 2005 · 45 views

As usual, I was flipping the channels when I happened upon a profile of a serial r'ist. He talked like he was some helpful neighbour next door, talking about how he just wants to be liked, how he wishes he could help all the victims he r'd, but at the same time, he's r'd so many women and admitted he'd do it again if released from pris...

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My Favourite Links!

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  • http://www.julieposey.com/index.htm
  • http://speak-out.diaryland.com
  • http://www.43things.com
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