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raw&burnt and Zelda like this

My Dad's Baggage.

22 September 2005

Posted by raw&burnt

If anything happened to me, if I told my dad about my past trauma, I'd only get judgement. He just came in here a moment ago, wondering how I get home every night. I've gone to rehearsals and ride home on the bus. Sometimes I hang out with friends and get a ride from them. My dad has to dump his paranoia on me, getting me upset in the...

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Tags: Ramblings

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Annihilator/Beloved Touch

03 September 2005

Posted by

I theorize about my take on why I've had sex.I wanted men to fix me. I wanted the right man to be the salve to the part of me that was violated. Take that part of me that triggers and heal it. I never dealt with being molested after it happened because I didn't know what exactly was going on. There was this kid, Raymond [[i]he's in...

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Tags: Survivor

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I Hate Love!

02 September 2005

Posted by

My WebpageI just don't trust it anymore. I forsee the outcome and I get scared. When I think I'm in love, there's a wonderful feeling of euphoria, but that's a high I talk myself out of. Love is way too painful. I don't know how I put myself in this position?

Tags: Ramblings

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The Tower of Celibacy.

01 September 2005

Posted by

I saw a guy I hadn't seen for years since I left Vancouver. Before I came out, I thought he was a very beautiful man [he use to be a model!]. Since the events afterwards stained me, I've discovered women and felt that I was a lesbian. I still think I am though, but this man.....he's beautiful and since we were in the same...

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Tags: Ramblings

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The Lock On The Door

27 August 2005

Posted by

I never realize there was a door to what safety I had.It was burst open and the hinges were broken.I never bothered to fix them because I trusted others to be respectful.Those who saw the opportunity, just waltzed right in and took what they wanted.I had valuables I didn't realize I had...

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Tags: Survivor

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Like a Big Thorn

23 August 2005

Posted by

I wish what sexual annihilation was inflicted in me would be summed up in a thorn that could be pulled out.Maybe it is and I'm afraid of what pain I'll feel once it's yanked.To heal is to go through the painful process.It's too scary.Although I missed the first few minutes of it, "Felicity" was on tv. It just happened to...

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Tags: Ramblings

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The Dumbest Thing

19 August 2005

Posted by

The dumbest thing anyone can advise you to do is to pretend it didn't happen. A neighbour told me that once when I confided in him about it. I had no reason to believe he'd bombard me with questions on how I should've dealt with it, wondering why I was so weak. I feel like that was my crime in the whole thing, that I was a wimp.Why...

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Tags: Ramblings

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Depression

13 August 2005

Posted by

I haven't really felt depressed in a long time. I've been so busy with the show that ended 2 weeks ago and focussing on being an actor that that's been put aside. I read somewhere in an anger book that depression is a matter of pushing down anger. You're depressed because you're spending so much energy restraining the anger we...

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Tags: Ramblings

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Pushing Past That Wall

10 August 2005

Posted by

When I'm feeling most irritable, it's the feelings I hold inside that need to burst free. The complaint of feeling the trauma most when I'm physically active is my body's way of working and wrestling through it. The worst thing I can do is find a place of stillness to settle it so it won't bother me, but then it lays there,...

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Tags: Survivor

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My Future Goal

06 August 2005

Posted by

"To forgive and forget is to reflect love. Many of us are slaves of our past. Situations pass, they cease to exist, but they continue to be alive in the mind. Open your heart and be generous, free yourself from that sorrow, forgive and forget and you will live every moment in peace."

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Tags: Survivor

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Not Totally Cleansed

04 August 2005

Posted by

[color=purple]It's another day off and dad, who's also home, tells me that mom wants me to clean the house. Dad has done this before. When he wants me to do something, he lies to me and says mom wants me to do it, assuming I favour mom over him. The idea that parents have a favourite child is lost on me, since the idea of a favourite...

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Tags: Ramblings

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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

03 August 2005

Posted by

Has anybody seen this film? I love inventive films that deviate from formulaic tripe that's splashed onto our screens every week or so. I love the concept that you could take the bad memories and erase them. If only it were real and if only there were no regrets in the end.I watch films, tv shows, hear music and it all draws me back to how I...

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Tags: Ramblings

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Quoted from "The Many Faces of Rape" by Dr. Robert

30 July 2005

Posted by

[color=purple]The Myths of Rape"Rape may be one of the most misunderstood phenomena in history. Although it has happened often, the victims (the real experts on what rape is like), usually remained silent out of fear, embarrassment, or the desire to put it out of their minds. Non-victims,...

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Every Single Day

10 July 2005

Posted by

When I was in therapy years ago, Andrew, my therapist, encouraged me to write about it, work it out so I could feel better about it. The very concept scares me to death. Nevermind having it in my head forever, in my body that I don't want to be in, but to remember it on paper, to remember it as it's being played out, to recite it to the...

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Once Again....

05 July 2005

Posted by

[i]I had this huge entry, then I hit the wrong button and it just vanished! I'm still stunned by my blunder.Anyway, I was writing about Control and how I've reimaged the past events in my head so I could understand them better. That hasn't done any good. I'm still choked that that last entry went away on me. It was so...

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Tags: Survivor

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Diary of A Mad Black Woman.

02 July 2005

Posted by

I'd heard about the film Diary of A Mad Black Woman and bought the DVD sight unseen. My mom had seen the creator on Oprah, which inspired me to get it when pay-day rolled around. I love movies with revenge themes in them because I know I would never go out and kill anyone or torture them; watching these satiates my need to act them out....

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Tags: Survivor

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This Baggage Is Too Heavy.

27 June 2005

Posted by

I can't remember what it was like when I'd seen a sexual violation in a movie or tv show. I can't remember how untriggered I was, but I remember knowing that what went on wasn't right. I don't remember blaming the victim or wondering why the victim didn't do something about it. Must be luxurious for some people to sit back...

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Tags: Ramblings

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Conflicted

22 June 2005

Posted by

I want sex and I hate it at the same time. I don't want to fall in love. I think back to love and remember it as some sort of high I got from it, like I loved being in love and wanted someone to put in my fantasies to work out my feelings. I can't seem to do that anymore, since it only triggers me. I feel trapped in this trauma, unable to...

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Tags: Survivor

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The Machinist ~ Movie

19 June 2005

Posted by

After payday, I splurged and bought a film starring Christian Bale called, "The Machinist". It's about this guy who'd done a hit and run but instead of owning up to it, he tries to forget about it. He can't sleep and has lost his appetite for food, so he's a skinny as a skeleton. I'm beginning to love this movie, plus...

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I Didn't Dwell.

17 June 2005

Posted by

I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine last week. He mentioned this person he hated, how this person, I don't remember what his name was, but this guy had been in his place. I think he robbed it or just lifted some things. Anyway, my friend was saying how he felt like he'd been invaded then asked, "Have you ever felt...

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raw&burnt and Zelda like this

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raw&burnt on May 07 2012 03:13 PM
This Was Bound to Happen
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This Was Bound to Happen
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