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raw&burnt



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Off the Cuff

Posted by raw&burnt , 23 May 2006 · 47 views

The first thing I think of when I awake everyday is coffee.
Sometimes I'm also horny and wish my desires were met.
I'm sexually frustrated and I'm dating men, adding to it.
I can't hook up with the woman I really want because she has excuses.
Being single is frustrating but I don't know what it's like to be connected with a partner...


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Dating SUCKS!

Posted by raw&burnt , 17 May 2006 · 44 views

There's this girl I like. I've been trying to hook up with her for awhile, but she seems resistant. Meanwhile, I fell for this man who's way too aloof and his interest in unreadable. I'm attending this session for actors and he wants me to remind him. At first, I'm thinking, "What am I, his secretary?" But what if I call to rem...


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I Don't Want To.

Posted by raw&burnt , 17 May 2006 · 58 views

I don't know what else to write without repeating myself.
I have the same thoughts everyday.
I was doing good with a role in a movie, and the thoughts were still lingering.
I roll them over and come up with conclusions but it doesn't change a thing.
I'll live with this every single day for the rest of my life.
I had this idea.
I could write a...


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Haunting Raw&Burnt

Posted by raw&burnt , 23 April 2006 · 47 views

I'd love to believe that if I told the entire story of my trauma, that I could get past this. I still have flashbacks about the incident and the secondary wounding that followed. I'm more traumatized about the wounding than the incident, so the incident itself was the second worst thing to happen. I have so many blank pages and notebooks I could f...


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My Scalp?

Posted by raw&burnt , 29 March 2006 · 63 views

This'll sound stupid: I connect my past trauma with the condition of my scalp.
Bare with me here.
Sometimes the feelings you suppress affect your physical health, therefore, what irritability I internalize has taken over my scalp in that mine is eternally flakey. I wash it with conditioners, I wash it thoroughly, with lots of shampoo, with dandruff shampo...


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No Matter What

Posted by raw&burnt , 27 February 2006 · 42 views

I remember watching a story on the tv years ago, about a woman who went to her doctor for something. He ended up drugging her and raping her. She fought for years, getting a private eye to investigate what was really going on after the police and people she trusted let her down. Eventually, the doctor confessed to what he did, supplying the whole story of...


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Porn

Posted by raw&burnt , 27 February 2006 · 45 views

I've been checking out way too much porn lately. I've bought the Swim Suit Edition of Sports Illustrated just to peer at the ladies, but it's too soft-core for me. Since having a man, I worried about my sexuality. Of course I still ponder it, but I'm not interested in naked men. Let's just say, the word Camel Toe has been floating ar...


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Shame

Posted by raw&burnt , 24 February 2006 · 47 views

I'm performing a show and it involves monologues instead of basic scenes with other actors. The theme to one of the pieces is about shame and it's made me look inside myself about what shame lurks within me. Not just for the sake of the piece, but any piece I do makes me think about its subject. I mean, I can't help but wonder why I feel so mu...


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Man or Woman?

Posted by raw&burnt , 25 January 2006 · 41 views

I went on a coffee date with this woman yesterday. Part of me was hoping to be more involved with women, but I didn't even come out to her. I liked her and all, but I felt like I went there with an ulterior motive. I was nervous and had to relax myself while on the bus. I still think about the guy, but this is trying my nerves. If things go well with...


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The Anne Heche Syndrome

Posted by raw&burnt , 08 January 2006 · 49 views

I must be bisexual. I must be, for I can't focus on one specific gender. I was looking at a friend's livejournal and he's in love with Asian men. He posts semi-nude pictures, always in white underthings, and I don't get excited. I can admire their form, but I don't feel the hetero in me bursting out in me.
Last night, I went to a gay b...


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Message Board Responses

Posted by raw&burnt , 28 December 2005 · 40 views

So often, I'll get an email about a new response added to the "How has your personality changed since the rape/abuse?"

I gave my answer, but I always look and think about what new answer pops up. I can't ever forget it. I know it has changed me in ways I can't articulate.

I feel like I'm hiding how I really feel about everything...


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I Knew This Would Happen!

Posted by raw&burnt , 13 December 2005 · 44 views

I was thinking about him yesterday. I was thinking, what the hell is going on with us? Is this casual? Is it a friends-with-benefits things? He got upset when I didn't want to have sex with him then get gets upset when I ask about it. I'm being a typical woman in asking "Where's This Going?" and he got mad at me. What friendship we had...


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Self-Loathing Diet

Posted by raw&burnt , 04 December 2005 · 37 views

Most people, when they get depressed, will turn to food. I lose my appetite for food. When people ask me how I stay so slim, how do I say, "Depression and self-loathing" without sounding pathetic? When I talk about my crap, I become a wet blanket and soak the life out of things. I'm seen as this perky person and inside, I can't help but fe...


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Love Sucks, Sex Blows!

Posted by raw&burnt , 04 December 2005 · 43 views

It's only when I'm bitter about my love/sex life am I tormented by the memories of the ugly violation. Focussing on someone, thinking I'm in love with someone is a distraction. I sometimes wonder if I'm trying to find love just so I won't have to deal with the traumas? Talking about it and various other ways of moving on hasn't cur...


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The 3 Year Itch.

Posted by raw&burnt , 11 November 2005 · 36 views

I'm into that feeling of not wanting to have sex again. After the 3 year celibacy marathon broken by two episodes with a man, I still haven't gotten closer to wondering what's wrong with me. I wish I hadn't had sex, as needed as it was. He's out of town and hasn't called. I hate shit like this. I'm back to where I was before I...


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We Both Consented!

Posted by raw&burnt , 18 October 2005 · 40 views

I've had sex with men and women and it doesn't make a huge difference. I had sex with someone I thought wasn't interested in me, and it was with a man. I don't want to worry where it'll go. Beforehand, I was worried about if I'll get triggered, but since it's been so long, I was too horny to care. It's like the celibacy can...


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Deluded & Worthless

Posted by raw&burnt , 13 October 2005 · 52 views

For me to be in love, with a man or woman, is to delude myself. I can't see it. I want to, so badly, because you'd think that when people say, "Don't worry, it'll happen to you too", that they have some magic potion that'll make its way into your drink and you'll find love. Man, I feel so worthless right now.
I'm also t...


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International Coming-Out Day

Posted by raw&burnt , 11 October 2005 · 44 views

I think I'm bisexual. I don't know what I am. I'm just wanting someone and it's a man. Desire drives one crazy, or at least me. I think I'm in love?


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Frustrated & Fearful

Posted by raw&burnt , 08 October 2005 · 41 views

I had the opportunity to have sex with a man.
It didn't even take too much strength to say no to him, eventhough he's on my mind. I don't know who I want to have sex with, which gender I want or what, but fear overtook me. I know that things always get weird after you have sex with someone. I want to break down the walls in me, have sex with w...


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Where Do These Movies Come From?

Posted by raw&burnt , 26 September 2005 · 40 views

I love movies and the websites that house them.
I was searching IMDb.com when I came across a movie that Richard Crenna did about playing a hardened insensitive cop who gets gangraped .



It's an old film that came on tv but can be rented if found. As I was searching some more, I discovered on Amazon another film called, Baise-Moi , which is suppos...






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