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I Don't Want To.

Posted by raw&burnt , 17 May 2006 · 54 views

I don't know what else to write without repeating myself.
I have the same thoughts everyday.
I was doing good with a role in a movie, and the thoughts were still lingering.
I roll them over and come up with conclusions but it doesn't change a thing.
I'll live with this every single day for the rest of my life.
I had this idea.
I could write a one woman show, or make it a lecture and perform it only at rape crisic centers.
After that, perform it for convicted rapists.
After that, perform it for child molesters.
The point being, to get my message across, to have a target audience so I know what my focus is.
It's a crazy enough idea that could be successful or disasterous.

The other day, I was remembering, as I always do, the reactions and offensive responses.
Seems like guys will not only justify their sexual acts, but they'll lie about them.
I knew a guy who lied about his sex life and who he had sex with, and his guy friends were gullible enough to believe him!
It made me wonder: Is there gullibility involved in this too?
Are men romanticizing rape?
Do they want to believe that such behaviour is alright so they can have permission and feel guilltless about it?
I don't want to hate men, but everyday that I look and observe the world, I find reasons.
I might be looking for them or my thinking is clouded from the trauma.
I feel guilty, but I feel I can't really rely on men or trust them. Even male friend justify other men's bad behaviour that's just disgusting or questionable or down-right horrible.
The world is getting scarier and scarier.
My love for eye-candy also gets in the way, and variou men and women come into my sightline. I want to like the outside because the inside will pop out at me like a compressed can of worms.

May 17 2006 09:45 AM
I could relate to what you were writing here so much from the aspect that I find myself caught in the line of hating men, wanting them completely removed and away from me, and then simultaneously being unable to break myself off from them. I know that this is what is causing problems in my marriage, because as much as I love my husband, I also get incredibly pissed when he tries to be affectionate at all with me, even if it is just trying to hold my hand. I wish I could let go. I think I probably hate men more than I let on, something that doesn't sit well with me. It kills me to think I may have ruined my marriage simply because I am unable or unwilling to trust them.

So, unfortunately, I don't have any sound words of wisdom, but I wanted to let you know you weren't alone in this, and I frequently find myself pondering, wondering what to do and how to combat it. All I can do for you is offer you unconditional support and hugs, if they're okay.


Much love,
Support and hugs are the best thing I could want. Words of wisdom never sounds right. Thanks you for your comment.

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