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Haunting Raw&Burnt

Posted by raw&burnt , 23 April 2006 · 16 views

I'd love to believe that if I told the entire story of my trauma, that I could get past this. I still have flashbacks about the incident and the secondary wounding that followed. I'm more traumatized about the wounding than the incident, so the incident itself was the second worst thing to happen. I have so many blank pages and notebooks I could fill just on how I feel about it, meanwhile that bastard probably doesn't even remember it or has changed the incident in his head. How come the perpetrator can easily move on while the victim is forever haunted? I can think of moments in my past where I've wrong someone in some fashion and it hasn't impacted me. Isn't that always the way though?
I'm moving on with my life as best I can. This life is short and I hate the fact that that asshole and others who've violated me have ruined what could be a great life. You can try to convince me that I'm in control or that my life is ruined because I let others do that to me, but it's all how you believe life is rather that what happens to you. I want to rewire my way of thinking so that I'm bullet-proof in the way of harm deflecting off of me. Not just physically, but emotionally/mentally/sexually. Self-defense is one way. Must do something about that. I did take a self-defense class a long time ago, but it was for one afternoon. I'd like to take more on and off or continually, because it also makes you believe you're safer than before. I've been in worse areas of a city and had no harm come to me, yet I've been violated in the places I was suppose to be safe in and I still got blamed. Man, I'll be stuck in this trauma forever, going about my daily life with this in the back of my brain. It'll never go away. It doesn't matter how my life turns out in the end, this'll affect me forever. This ain't going away.

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