I've been checking out way too much porn lately. I've bought the Swim Suit Edition of Sports Illustrated just to peer at the ladies, but it's too soft-core for me. Since having a man, I worried about my sexuality. Of course I still ponder it, but I'm not interested in naked men. Let's just say, the word Camel Toe has been floating around my head. I feel gross sometimes, like I'm a pig. I don't go around town drooling over women and objectifying them either. I like men from the neck up and women from the neck down, when I fantasize about either. I don't want to feel shameful about my desires, but I do. I can't help but think that if I were a guy, I could parade my interest in naked women easier than if I were a straight woman doing the same. It's almost anti-feminist to being interested in porn, yet I'm fixated on it. I'm so frustrated sexually and want a healthy sexual outlet, but sex with the guy only tampers down my lesbian side, provoking it to want to burst forth from me. I don't know if I only want sex or a relationship. Why can't I have both? A sexual partner, that one sexual partner. I don't want a series of partners and I don't want a relationship where the sex withers away. How come both can't happen? I went out and bought a book called, The Guide to Lesbian Sex, which I really needed. Before I bought it, I was broke and down to about five bucks and thought only of that book come payday. When the day finally came, I finished work and went straight to the bookstore where I saw it and claimed it as my own, casually purchasing it over the counter, wondering what the saleswoman was thinking of me at that moment. Sigh! I hate being horny and I hate wanting sex. Sex is like crumbs I'm scraping for when I can get them. I'm at a point where it doesn't matter who I have sex with, since the end result is the same. I don't want to get my hopes up because of too many past disappointments, then to have violation ruin it. I'll never shake of the rape or the molestations from my childhood. I feel anger and hatred for those bastards. It's getting in the way of my sexual fulfillment. I still haven't completed my Sexual Survivor entries I started this thing out with.