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Posted by raw&burnt , 24 February 2006 · 47 views

I'm performing a show and it involves monologues instead of basic scenes with other actors. The theme to one of the pieces is about shame and it's made me look inside myself about what shame lurks within me. Not just for the sake of the piece, but any piece I do makes me think about its subject. I mean, I can't help but wonder why I feel so much shame about something that wasn't my fault? Maybe deep down, I know deep down that I could've fought harder, but that's not the only thing. I've had people shame me, make me feel like I'm a bad person with the wrong things they said out of ignorance or malice. Nobody knew how to say the right thing so that I could move on. I wanted to find a way to get past it and I thought I could do it by myself. I also thought I could reach out to others to get some insight and help my move on, but all I got was more scars. "Our definition of shame is that it is a painful belief in one's basic defectiveness as a human being". I read this in a book I borrowed from the library called, "Letting Go Of Shame by Ronald Potter-Efron and Patricia Potter-Efron". I only read the intro and I've had this book for a week or so. Shame on me! I remember things about the incident but mostly about how I was treated. There were so many stereotypes from people without them speaking it directly. You could tell that these thoughts perpetuated the mythology of rape and sexual assault/abuse and I felt so powerless to do anything about it. I have too much shame in me, from that and from childhood. I want to write more notes about this, but I found that during rehearsals, while talking about the pieces with my director, I felt more cleansed and got some clarity about it. I really need some therapy. I also have been considering volunteering for a rape crisis centre. There's shame in that, in that I'll be admitting to it when people ask about my volunteering, but if I don't say anything, if I lie about it, then the shame will build. It's a wonder I never wanted to move back home; I feel like I'm sitting in shame by being here, that I'm not living my life away from my family filled like I'm shameful. I feel shameful living at home. I feel so inferior here, like a disappointment to everyone here. I'm compared to my brothers because I don't have similar career ambitions as they do. Even to anyone else who's making good money or who's married with children, I'm looked down upon. I hate feeling like this, yet there are so many negative feelings that are comforting because they're so familiar. Any unfamiliar feeling, especially if it's positive, I try to shake off. My thoughts are coming out yet there are others that aren't. Too many I want to spit out yet can't be articulated. I can't remember most of them right now, then when I'm on the bus to work, it'll come back to me. I won't crack open my diary quick enough because it's one of those locked ones that's frustrating and for a 12 year old. I thought it would have the dates in it, but I was choked it didn't so it's just for my thoughts. I have to get ready for work.

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