The Anne Heche Syndrome
Last night, I went to a gay bar because it was women's night and I hadn't socialized with my buds in so long. One woman, who I met just over a year ago at the second-last new year's celebration, kissed me. It had been a year and here we were, locking lips: I wasn't as turned on as before. Here's this man I'm having sex with, who's body isn't chiselled like an Adonis, who's not a vegan or even vegetarian, but I want to have sex with him more often. He's out of town right now and I don't know what he's doing. I mean, I know he's working, but I don't know if he's monogomous or not. If I'm into someone, then nobody else matters. Whomever I'm having sex with, nobody matters as far as attraction goes. If I'm going to have more sex with him in the future, then I should communicate with him more. I have a problem with this, talking about what I want in bed and what my desires are. He's asking but I don't think he has the patience. I keep thinking I disappoint him or frustrate him. I'm trying hard not to unleash my vulnerability on him and wreck everything. He wants it casual and demands his freedom/independence, meanwhile I'm sexually frustrated. It doesn't seem to matter what gender I'm with, as long as there's a connection and an attraction. I was taking down the christmas tree and because the family was busy doing other things, I was alone with my emotions, thinking about my identity and how I am to explain this to my lesbian groupl. They were intrigued with what's going on in my life, meanwhile I'm not letting on at all, feeling like a lesbian traitor. Maybe I have a prejudice against bisexuals I'm not dealing with. I don't want to suddenly proclaim that I'm straight now. I mean, he doesn't want anything serious and I don't know how long this'll last. I have visions of escaping from all this, just leaving town or cutting off all times. Maybe I wished this and I'm paying for it. You know, you wish for things to happen then when you get it, it's even more troublesome, like money or fame.
I want to get off this computer and watch tv.