Pandora's Aquarium: Message Board Responses - Pandora's Aquarium

So often, I'll get an email about a new response added to the "How has your personality changed since the rape/abuse?"

I gave my answer, but I always look and think about what new answer pops up. I can't ever forget it. I know it has changed me in ways I can't articulate.

I feel like I'm hiding how I really feel about everything, that I'm lying about who I am and how I'm doing on a daily basis. It seemed that how I really felt, nobody knew how to help me or even cared. I felt like since my feelings didn't matter, that since I myself didn't matter, that I should hide that part of me so it isn't intrusive on anyone, that people will be fooled into thinking I'm F.I.N.E. [fucked-up, insecure, neurtic, emotional]. If I fool everyone, then I won't be made to feel like a crybaby for being raped and wanting sympathing, like I should've known better than to let myself get raped like I did. I feel bad because I wanted someone to care and that wanting made me feel selfish for it. If I seem fine, then I have my shit together. I know it's a big lie, that things aren't fine. I keep thinking that one day, I'll crack. My sexuality is a mystery to me. I don't know who I am or who I'll become. I feel so lost. I pass through the days, waiting to get to the part where I go to bed and a brand new day starts. I feel like I'm waking up in the same old pile I left behind. I think about the goals I want to accomplish and they get longer, seemingly unaccomplishable.
Something's bound to happen that's different.

I hate being in love, because it's always with someone who isn't in love with me. I have to take these feelings and get rid of them, or else that person will stomp all over them intentionally or ignorantly. Being in love is so wonderful and dangerous. I don't trust it anymore. Instant sexual gratifiation is even worse, or can I even tell them apart anymore? Love/lust ruins me!