I was thinking about him yesterday. I was thinking, what the hell is going on with us? Is this casual? Is it a friends-with-benefits things? He got upset when I didn't want to have sex with him then get gets upset when I ask about it. I'm being a typical woman in asking "Where's This Going?" and he got mad at me. What friendship we had in the past is gone because I acted on my desire and I feel ill right now. Just thinking about him makes me want to barf. He said we'll go for a coffee and talk this out. I've ruined this now! Now I feel even more messed up! I had to talk to someone, since I mentioned this to no one at all. I wanted no judgement either, so I called a male friend of mine, who seems to know almost everything about me. He was even questioning my sexuality, wondering if I'm reacting the way I am because of past trauma. I've heard that before and I don't know what to think anymore. Am I even a lesbian? Have I just been a hurt heterosexual? I don't want to think about it and it's driving me crazy. I don't want to be anything. I don't feel like anything. I don't feel black or female or whatever. My identity is up in the air for people to label without my consent. This is really bothering me. I told my friend that I'm tired of ending up a fuckbuddy and all he could say was, "Well then, DON'T!" Oh, okay, it's that easy, eh? Just what I need, an insensitive remark that I've been dealing with forever! I really hate being me right now and I'm hating the holidays too. I'm hating work and my place in my life. I hate being 37 and that I'll be 38 in 3 months. I feel so low and disgusted with myself. This event will pass, but I don't know what'll happen once I'm there. I don't want to be in the same city as him anymore. I don't want to be here.