It's only when I'm bitter about my love/sex life am I tormented by the memories of the ugly violation. Focussing on someone, thinking I'm in love with someone is a distraction. I sometimes wonder if I'm trying to find love just so I won't have to deal with the traumas? Talking about it and various other ways of moving on hasn't cured me. Having sex with someone and focussing on a fantasy love life with them only alleviates it, like smoking pot does for forgetting my troubles. When I had sex, I didn't want to drink. When I was celibate, I drank because I wasn't having sex. I don't know if I can call myself a sex addict, since I don't have sex that often. I don't understand the mind of a sex addict, but I don't relate to them. I'm in love with wanting to be in love; I so badly want to be in love with someone because it's a wonderful high where I can forget what a loser I feel I am. I'm so regretting having had sex with my male friend, and I haven't seen him since October! I bought some lesbian porn and that's only taking me so far. Porn is boring me and frustrating me more! I want something else other than porn and sex toys! I even contemplated the idea of going to a different state/province to a sex party so I can have sex with someone and not feel attatched to them. Sometimes I hate sex because I want it so badly, and I hate this need! They say you won't die from not having it, but there were times where I felt I'd keel over from frustration. For seconds at a time, I really want sex, then the next minute I don't ever want sex ever again. I'll never be satisfied! What I got from the man was that I love penetration and what I got from women, if I remember what that was like, was I love their bodies and being on top. I don't want a threesome because I love sex one-on-one. I've never had a threesome introduced to me before and I hope it's never offered either. I'm just plain frustrated! I've been rutting around in this rut and I can't burst from it! I don't want to want sex or find love. I'm too defeated about love and bitter about sex, but awhile ago I was watching, The Wedding Planner and I felt all mushy about it, falling for this chick flick. I don't normally like these types of flicks either. Hell, I grew up with 2 brothers, so chick flicks aren't in my DVD library. I have one but that's because it was a birthday gift: Miss Congeniality. Luckily not the second one, the sequel. I hope that the films I make in the future aren't chick flicks. Now I'm on a totally different topic. How flakey am I? I had a few glasses of wine on Friday and it takes awhile for a hangover to affect me. Today, I wanted to die and my mood, as hidden from the masses as possible, has sour, especially when I went to see, The 40-Year-Old Virgin. The whole time, the voice in my head is saying, "Stay that way! You're better off!", but of course, he loses it. Did I give the ending away for anyone? What, you thought he'd stay a virgin? It's a Hollywood movie for pete's sake! I liked it, but I wasn't rolling in the aisle with laughter about it. Poor fool! Another virgin bites it. If I waited for the right one to come along, I'd still be a virgin, or that bastard who raped me would've been my first! I've known a couple of women who's first time was taken non-consentually. What a horrible way to lose it, or rather have it taken away from you, robbed from you even. I don't think I'm as hung over as I was earlier, but I'm still feeling crappy. I'm glad I have more than one blog to express myself in. Sometimes I worry I'll never have sex with a woman again! I wasted it on a man, which was okay. Performance-wise. I've had more men than women, but I've had more sexual satisfaction and orgasms from women. It's easier to have sex with the opposite sex than with the same, and it's especially harder to connect with a woman. Just the idea that it's easier to cop out and be with someone of the same sex is so ridiculous and so untrue, that I'm positive a gay/lesbian person didn't say this. It's like a woman saying men have it easier or men saying women have it easier, or even white people saying blacks have it easier, etc. Whatever you aren't always appears to have it easier. Sometimes I hate being in my body to the point where I can't tell that what I'm feeling is biological or emotional? My sour feeling was the result of the hangover, but I assume that whatever I'm feeling is emotional and not physical. I get the two confused often. When I skip breakfast, I feel miserable, but I assume it's emotional and not because I need food. On friday, I ate a sizeable breakfast and had a sizeable lunch, and my mood was great! I repress my feelings, I put on a front, I neglect my stomach because I think I eat when I'm hungry, then wonder why my heart and mind are the way they are? What the hell is wrong with me?