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I was searching IMDb.com when I came across a movie that Richard Crenna did about playing a hardened insensitive cop who gets gangraped.
It's an old film that came on tv but can be rented if found. As I was searching some more, I discovered on Amazon another film called, Baise-Moi, which is suppose to mean, "Rape Me" in French. Now, a former friend of mine wanted me to see this after I confided in him about my incident. [Why does everyone ask me what happened, as if I'm going to give over the details of something I don't want to even think about, let alone talk about?]. It came up because he said he played with the idea of making a film about a hot scene about two guys gangraping some other guy. To make him aware of how horrible the idea was in reality, I simply told him it happened to me. Sometimes I think people get a kick out of rape, like it were kinky, ranked up there like S&M. As usual, I'm haunted about the past incidents and play it over in my head like it happened yesterday, so I couldn't help but think that those who thought the worst of me, those who thought I was greedy for money out of this or that it didn't happen and I wanted money, only came from ignorance; they didn't know what happened and couldn't stand not knowing, so they'd find indirect ways of getting the info out of me, acting like they weren't being offensive, then getting angry that I wasn't giving it up for them. It makes me mad still, that some people were trying to get it out of me. There was another guy that messed with my head, saying I needed therapy and shit. When someone doesn't know the details, why gossip about it? I remember being with two other people and they started talking about an incident with a local actress and a popular instructor. What disturbed me was the guy justified his actions by saying that if he were in a situation where a girl was half clothed, he'd go for it! This was someone considered decent. If charges were brought upon him in the future by a claim of sexual harrassment/assault, I wouldn't run to his defense. If he came to me and then wondered why I wouldn't defent him, I would tell him that would only incriminate him based on the past comment and if he wanted to get out of this, not to depend on me. I've even heard some other person I'd met briefly that he said some crude remarks about some young girl. Now, I'm putting myself in my ex-friends place and I can't see how they'd sympathize or defend him. I can not! If someone gets into your space when you've made yourself clear about not wanting them in it, it's a violation, no? If you end up saying no more than once, doesn't that mean that person heard you but didn't care? If they lead you under false pretenses that ends up turning into a violation, how is that consentual? When you've expressed how you didn't want it, didn't like it and didn't consent to it, how come others disregard your words and take his that reflect the opposite? My one quesiton is: why am I being punished forever for being raped when he gets away with it? I've had lesser things happen to me and gotten too much sympathy for it, comparing it to this incident.
When will that day come where the thought doesn't trigger me anymore?
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