Pandora's Aquarium: In the Corner of my Brain - Pandora's Aquarium

I've always had this abstract summation about the stupid incident that happened 14.5 years ago. In my building, all the people who didn't believe me, all those who told themselves that the rapist was a decent guy, I've come up with this: They were a bunch of straight, sexually frustrated men who supported another sexually frustrated straight man who hated hearing another woman saying no to them. They supported the fact that no matter how often I refused, didn't want, didn't like and didn't consent to what he demanded, they cheered him on for persistence. My saying no was merely an obstacle to him. They've dealt with rejection, as we all do, but he dealt with it in a warped sort of heroic way. I was the loser because I said no but lost. He's the winner because he wouldn't back down. It's like conquering something like a mountain and reaching the top, no matter how many billy goats or falling rocks got in your way. He persisted and he won. I was the loser because he got what he wanted. My lesson from this is that if it ever happens again, it's all about winning, getting away.
At the same time, I figured that if I had gotten away, they'd tell me that he'd never do such a thing, that I was just paranoid into thinking he'd rape me. Well, he did it and I'm living with it. I think that's what I'm mad about, that I lost, that he won over me. At the time, I didn't see it as a competition, but because someone tried to do something to me and I tried my best to prevent it, I lost out. That'll haunt me: losing. It's more than that, but that's one of the elements.

Changing the topic, I have a girlfriend! She's beautiful, but she doesn't like to be seen as something to look at, as something worthy of just her looks. She has talent and ambition, but she's only judged by her looks. She hates that. Saturday, we were fooling around and then she confesses that she was molested by a white man. She's part East Indian and part Guyana, so she's not white. She has a sexual aversion, so she doesn't flaunt her sexuality like most pretty girls do. I have a sexual compulsion that's not as compulsive as it could be. Not that I want to be getting laid all the time, but when I do have sex, it's like I have to have it. There's a part of me that wants it all the time, but with one person, not with any person. I wonder?
I really like her. I think she likes me. She wants to spend time with me, which is new. She doesn't want to use me for sex and then toss me away for a girlfriend, seeing me as unworthy. I get that a lot. This one's a keeper. I'll see this through.
I was thinking of lending her the Childhood Sexual Abuse book so she could do her own healing. I might revisit it so I can finish the questions I started years ago. That, and the Homo Handbook I also started. Both aren't finished.
Well, I'm still working at the same place and hanging out with some of the same people, but with one addition: my girlfriend!