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It's better if I just give you a link to it here.
I've been writing there every day since May 2nd and it's been a wunderkind in that I feel such a release and a relief of my thoughts that twirl around in my head. I've been riffing on all sorts of topics but lately all my thoughts are concentrating on the r@pe. It's in my head and my body so to pretend I'm not bothered about it is craziness. I could write forever on it it seems. I often wonder how I'll get to a point of forgiveness, how I'll forgive that r@pist and the so-called friends who supported him while denying my truth. Not forgiving him has me carrying around this heavy burden and I don't want that. It seriously feels like a ball and chain around my neck and all of my limbs and living with it is hell. He's carried on with his life thinking he did nothing wrong while I torment myself at the idea that that remorseless bastard is out there doing it again while his supporters tell the other victims that he's a decent guy and that they're just being vengeful, or they're making a big deal over nothing, or that they should seek therapy for what they "believe" happened, or that they should have know better and shouldn't have let him do it because that's his culture (so racist!) or a mountain of other reason they's assault the victim with.
These entries are long and I can't imagine anyone reading these. Hell, I don't even read most of them because they're so long. I just feel better when I type out my feelings about it and let my mind empty out on here. My other online journal I don't write in as much anymore, just because it's so archaic and old fashioned. The think I liked about it though, was that I could practice my HTML skills on it, carve it, shape it, polish it to how I wanted it to look. Too bad the guestbook disappeared with all of its contents. Maybe my journal will disappear too? Sometimes I wished it would but other times I wonder if the entries are salvageable?
I wonder how many words I've just typed? On 750 words, it'll tell you how many words you've typed and when you've reached 750 words. It tells you how you're feelings, what your concerns are, the adult rating of it, most commonly used words in that entry and also for the month, you can have a one month challenge and type everyday, you can go on streaks for days, months, even years! You can see your progress and compare yourself to others. When I do that last one, it's not really comparative, since many people have different styles, have different focuses and are just different. It's interesting to see where people are without knowing what they've written.
Earlier this month, some friends and I went to the Pride Parade. They were all straight meanwhile I couldn't find my lesbian friends. Winnipeg LGBT scene sucks big time! The community out here is so invisible, even with the parade and all. I've lived in Vancouver and experienced the joys of LGBT and the lesbian sex I had out there. My 2 attempts out here have been absolute failures. I use to think that a friend of mine, a straight male friend, was just biased about Vancouver and how the singles scene out there was terrible, comparing it to the great scene in Montreal. I thought he was just belly-aching. Now that I'm out here in Winnipeg, I understand his frustration in finding love and failing miserably. I mean, I dated women out here to no avail and then I slept with a womanizing male who has used so many women that he's moved away, out of the country. I wonder what provoked him? He's probably had every actress here or somebody threatened him or he wants a new breed of woman to use.
My only outlet these days is masturbation and pornography. I don't know what I'd do without the two? Sometimes I'm better off not finding love.
I've even had an epiphany: I attract lovers who see me as convenient. I attract lovers who are around me long enough that they think we should have sex when really it's their reason to scratch an itch. They don't want me, but I'll do for the meantime. I'm never seen as a potential girlfriend or even wife, just a time-waster. I don't know what Mr. R@pist was thinking, although I have only ideas and no real facts. He saw me with another woman and had this idea that I'd have sex with anyone, including him. He figured I needed to have sex and that I was just teasing when I said no so many times. He had me pegged as a certain type of woman, in his chauvinistic way, so he felt he had the right to take his sexual frustrations out on me regardless of what I wanted. This was someone I considered a friend, but he dismissed out friendship the moment he had horrible ideas on how to treat me, then got mad that I wasn't interested, didn't want it and didn't like it in the end result. I'll never forgive him, although this pain of unforgiveness is hurting me. How do I forgive that bastard?
No matter how upset I am about my dad dying, I'll always have the trauma deeply embedded in me.
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