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There's a big hole my my life that he filled. I fear he had no idea how much I loved him. Even when he was unconscious I spoke to him and told him that I'd miss him, that my life wouldn't be the same. I'm always on the verge of crying everyday since last Wednesday. I miss my daddy!
Our family has been getting an outpouring of sympathy from friends and family, including co-workers.
There are so many instances in life where you'll be scarred. I'm here at pandy's for a reason, because someone didn't like that I was with another woman and thought to correct me, and I'll have to live with that the rest of my life. The aftermath of that was very negative and it still hurts.
Why am I weaving that incident with my dad's death? Well, I've always known that the aftermath of any traumatic/dramatic event determines how you heal from it. I was mistreated for being r*ped, yet I'm getting so much love and sympathy. The similarities are that people have this instant reaction to a situation and go full-throttle. How do they know I'm telling the truth? How do they know I'm not after something like money or fame or that I have an ulterior motive? With my dad's death, I got sympathy, no questions asked, but I get raped and I'm suspected of foul play.
I compare every situation to that ugly incident. I thought that any other event in my life would wipe this out and it hasn't. It just ruffles up the old traumas and mixes them with the new ones.
It's just one thing added to the pile of the rest. Well, I can't afford to be so dismissive about this current event that has happened to my family. My whole family is hurting, along with friends who knew him. My mom called a long-time friend of theirs, and when she told him of my dad's death, he broke down and cried. I was so touched by that, that an outpouring of emotion came from a non-family member towards my dad.
I couldn't help but wonder what my dad's mind was going through, I mean, what images were going through his head, what his thoughts were, if he heard or even saw any of us and what was going on.
Apparently, when a person is in a coma, there's all sorts of hallucinations and dreams floating through their minds. An Uncle of mine was sick many years ago and said that for 3 days, he only remembers rolling constantly in grass. That made me think that when people imagine heaven, it's the hallucinations and dreams they see. My dad considered himself a Christian man, so I think he saw what he thought was heaven and that he must have headed towards whatever it was. I hope he saw his parents and all the relatives he missed. I hope his last images were great ones. I hope my dad, along with the morphine, felt peace.
I'll be hurting for a long time over his loss.
My mom keeps asking me what's wrong, meanwhile I want to say it's that dad is gone. I feel she knows this and wants me to verbalize this, but I make up some other reason. I'm always protecting my inner vulnerable child.
The one thing I'll miss, among others, is him knocking at my bedroom door to give me a hug before going to bed.
I used to think I loved my mom more than my dad, but the amount is equaled. Losing one parent first is hard, but when my mom goes, I'll be a wreck. I can't imagine what that'll be like or...I just can't even wrap my brain around that. If I lost my mom today, I'd be too distraught to go on normally. I don't know if I could ever pursue the things I love, have ambition again, persist in my desires, set goals, or just curl up in a ball in some run-down apartment building.
I assume the funeral will be some sort of closure, as they're suppose to be, but I don't know how much closure I'll get from this? The one good thing is seeing relatives I hadn't seen in years, some I've never seen and to see what'll happen at the actual funeral. I've only been to a memorial, but this'll be my first funeral. I can't believe I've come this far!
I'm assigned a scripture reading, of all things. My half-sister won't read if out of fear. Pffft! Some of us will be too emotional too! Her own biological dad and she's arriving only 24 hours before! I suspect she'll leave 24 hours after too.
This entry is getting too long. I don't even read other entries this long! Why should I expect anyone to focus all their attention on this?
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