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Every Single Day

Posted by , 10 July 2005 · 7 views


When I was in therapy years ago, Andrew, my therapist, encouraged me to write about it, work it out so I could feel better about it. The very concept scares me to death. Nevermind having it in my head forever, in my body that I don't want to be in, but to remember it on paper, to remember it as it's being played out, to recite it to the public for scrutiny is more painful than having eye surgery. I'd rather not face such a thing. When I think of how writers are to "write what they know", part of me wants to write about this. Has anybody tried to be creative with this part of their lives so that they could have some closure? I remember writing the incident out in script form and the police/detectives laughed at me. How humiliating that was. I wanted to get the actions and the words right, but for some reason, they didn't want that. I thought it was thorough enough, but.....well, even when I gave my testimony, which I assume was really being recorded when they said it was, I was discredited. I couldn't help but think that my side of it didn't matter, that as long as he got his dick into me, that that meant to them that I wanted it, and that anything I had to say about it in any shape or form meant that I'd be crucified again and again. Why should I believe that someone out there will say, "She didn't deserve this! What he did was uncalled for and unfair!" It's as if the world was turned upside-down to mean that rape was okay and that I'm suppose to like it. It baffles me and confuses me until this day. I'll never understand the events that happened and I can't figure out how to tell my story. I find it extremely too painful to word it, to contemplate telling it to anybody. One of my many fears is that some police will come to my door, tellling me that Bruce, my ex-friend who raped me, is dead and that I'm to blame for it, meanwhile I've been nowhere near where they said he was murdered. The worst part of it is that by coming to my house, my parents will have to hear all the details, especially since I've never told my dad. I have no reason to believe he'd understand this. Another fear is that my ex-friends would rather I say that it was consentual, that they think I'm lying about this, and no matter what I tell them about what actually happened, that they will insist it's not true; They'd think I have something against him, aside from that fact that this person who I thought was a friend has raped me, told me that I like it and that it was be best sex I ever had (which it wasn't), and has told others who instantly believe him, that I'd have some other motive for crying rape! Anxiety is living and breathing in me and there's no peace. How many times have I mentioned this? If I write the whole incident, if I script it, write it as a novel, pump it out there, then will I feel better or will I be putting myself out there to be humiliated even more? Too much fear over this. I don't want that asshole to control me like this, yet I always feel I am. How do you take something like this and be creative with it? If anybody has found any benefit from this, let me know. I have to get this out of me because I can't stand this.I wonder sometimes: I have no closure, so should I face him somehow? How do I confront him when I'm too scared after what he did? I sometimes feel this is the only way. Face him. I always imagine myself hurting him physically though. I hate being haunted by this every single day. Every Single Day! EVERY SINGLE DAY!



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