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Once Again....

Posted by , 05 July 2005 · 2 views


I had this huge entry, then I hit the wrong button and it just vanished! I'm still stunned by my blunder.Anyway, I was writing about Control and how I've reimaged the past events in my head so I could understand them better. That hasn't done any good. I'm still choked that that last entry went away on me. It was so cathartic and now to try to capture it seems pointless.Why do I have to control these images in my head? Am I going to get the real answer or the truth about why it happened and what I could do now to cure myself? I can't change the past and I can't make people believe that what I actually want through was horrible. I often felt like a particular male was flirting with me or thought he could fix my problem if he gave me a different kind of touch, you know? Because since being violated is the annihilator's touch, he wanted to replace that. Maybe I'm flowering it too much and he was really getting off on the whole rape fantasy? He creeps my out when I think about it. Basically, I can't change anyone's mind about what happened and I can't change the past. Being afaid of the future only prevents me from living my life the way I want and need to. I'm more vulnerable than I thought I was and I couldn't imaging such a thing could bring me down like it did. I couldn't imagine not getting out of it without a fight or that it would be someone I trusted and had no reason to think he wouldn't take no for an answer. You assume your friends would treat you a certain way until an event like this happens then they're weeded out. You find out that only professionals can be there when your friends are too incompetent to understand what it is you need from them. When you have no one else to turn to, of course you want to go to your friends, but they're useless and more harmful. Trust becomes a huge issue. They comprehend what they've never been through. Also, most of them will never listen because it's all about them, the idea that it could happen to them is too scary, so for reassurance, they tell me why I let it happen or excuse his behaviour or lecture me on how stupid I was. The world comes out in different colors after a traumatising event, then you can't handle them. Some of those colors are ugly ones It's like I was ultrasensitive all over and I wanted to numb myself from it. To control it was to cope with daily living, so that other people couldn't make you vulnerable and shame you for it. Being vulnerable seems to be the worst thing in the world to be. If you are, naturally, then people use it against you and then blame you for not being strong. When you find out you're not strong enough, you're punished for it. When something bad happens to you, your'e judged for not being smart enough. Is shouldn't be a bad thing to be vulnerable, especially when it's the positive side of it. Alot of thing that don't make sense to me, so I constantly twirl them around my thinking to demystify them, coming up with more riddles. Wares me out, often. I'm in my head too much. I can't be "present". I cut off because I learned that my body is a horrible place to be sometimes, that I can do anything I want in my head, especially if I daydream and fantasize. Even my head isn't safe anymore, with past events being too strong to block out. Blocking them out doesn't work. Dealing with them works, but to find someoe to process these thoughts with is scary. Only professionals can help, not people you thought you trusted.I want to know what it's like to be in a relationship, to find love and forget what it's like to be single. I only know what it's like being alone. I was thinking this on the bus hours ago, upon seeing a couple get on. It's like I'm a kid asking my older sibling what it's like. I have to accept that I may never have sex again for the rest of my life and that I may never find love. I use to be in love with love, but I've fallen out of love with love. I use to see it as a curse for such a need, but now since I'm unburdened, I wish it were out of a positive experience. I know my state of celibacy and bachelorettehood is the result of broken physical boundries and that I've made some stupid choices because I didn't know any better. I also know that I don't know how to really chose friends, that I'm just let people into my life to fill a void I can never satisfy. I may spend a lifetime trying to fill it. We as humans are insatiable and constantly consuming to keep alive, so by the end of this life we'll still be just partially full and never completely. I'd rather that void be from no meat and no men than love and happiness.



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