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Nothing Happened

Posted by raw&burnt , in Stream Of Thought. 21 February 2010 · 45 views


I was at work yesterday for a few hours that almost seem like I don't need to travel the whole hour to get there. When I'd finished, I checked my phone and a theatre producer called and left a message. I did a show a few weeks ago, not expecting a huge pay cheque, but she called saying I had some money. I wanted to get to a film premiere anyway, but since I realized I'd miss it, I decided to get my money. After visiting her and chatting for an hour or so, I left and walked through a park. It was between the woman's house and the bus stop, and it was well-lit. I dared to walk across the park at the risk of being attacked.

Nothing Happened.

My point is, so often I've been in places and situations where something back could've happened but didn't. You never intentionally walk into something with the knowledge that something bad will happen. Attacks happen out of nowhere, by surprise and you're not suppose to see them. It's like a knife attack: unless they're hiding it behind their back, they're only trying to scare you, otherwise if you saw the knife, you'd knock it from their hand and run away. That was the most valuable piece of info I learned in a free self defense workshop. I was violated in my own building while coming out of my room to make breakfast. It's always unexpected. If I had to alert myself 24/7, I'd be a paranoid case ready to a padded cell. Everyone is vulnerable to being attacked, but in our situation, we're made responsible for it. We're made to feel like we're the one with the power to stop this "uncontrolled" behaviour inflicted upon us. I was terribly baffled at this mass denial of how abused I was and how many people had collectively agreed on this ignorance. It's the ignorance I can't stand, the warped beliefs about what had happened to me. I had grossly over-estimated the people around me, thinking they knew me well enough that I had no ill intention, that the only reason I accused him of rape was because that's what happened. I thought people wanted the truth, but they wanted to be uninvolved, to distance themselves from it, to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. They were just as powerless about what to do as much as I was, thinking I was trying to manipulate them into doing my dirty work. I constantly come up with conclusions as to why they betrayed me the way they did.

I walked through that park perfectly safe. I didn't attract anyone to come and hurt me. I didn't make a scene to invite harm. I wasn't trolling for sex. I simply wanted to get closer to home. I've walked alone at night many times and had no threat to my life or my sexuality.

There was one time when I was standing at a bus stop. Two drunk guys stumbled towards me. I think they thought I was a guy, for they were talking and almost cornering me when they asked about directions to a street that they'd just come from. I kept my eyes on them while pointing to it. They walked away, but I had a horrible feeling in my gut afterwards that's still with me. I feel they'd have gay-bashed me for thinking I was a guy. I've known other lesbians who were attacked because they were mistaken for men, then attacked regardless. These were also just random guys you'd see anywhere and everywhere. You can't catch them because you can't identify them: they blend in. If they did attack me, my only description would've been that they were young, in their 20's, native looking, dark hair, tall and skinny, and also drunk. How many perpetrators fit that description?
Everyday I'm out and about, I always think that I could get attacked and blamed for it. I almost wish that if it did, I'd try to kill them, just so I wouldn't go through the same aftermath those ignorant people put me through.
On Facebook, I joined a group for the building I use to live in, the same one I was violated in. There aren't a lot of people, which makes me wonder if it's because I'm on there and that people have blocked me and are gossiping behind my back/profile.
Sometimes people are disgusting. I wonder how much of a misanthrope this has made me?

I'm still in bed right now, listening to some Wes Montgomery (search him on YouTube). I have an audition later, but I'm already doing a play that'll appear around the same time. I'm tempted to call and cancel, just out of guilt and I want to see a film tonight that I did a few years ago.
Yeah, I might do that.



hey RnB,

you posted the last 9 blogs in here, so someone had to notice ;)

actually wouldn't have normally commented, but if a gurl is gay, i feel kyna "safer" somehow. always have.

anyway, i'm glad nothing happened, and i'd like to wish u a lifetime of nothings like that. no, i dont think we can be like "hypervigilant" 24 7, but i am some of the time, for sure. i just stop and think "now THIS would be a GREAT time to get paranoid!", and there i go- watching for potential traps and other things like a terminator, or something.

but i also prize the ability and will to turn all that off. like, when i ride in someone's car(i always know them), and have no idea where we are, or how we got there- i delegate all that, when i know it's pretty safe.

dunno if that helps at all, but wanted to wish u well.
and.. y'know, you can interact with people a lot better in the forums(fora?), and there still is a chatroom.

i know ya know.
ima 'jus' sayin' ;)

tc,
S.
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MaybeJoleisa
Feb 21 2010 06:22 PM
I know what you mean.... The "almost happeneds" haunt me almost as much as things that *did* happen sometimes. And then, the feeling that you should be able to walk through the park.... To do ordinary things like that.... Without fear. I never know if I'm flirting with disaster or just asserting my right to exist in the world. Where the line between those two things falls.

I don't really have anything useful to say about all that. Just wanted to let you know that I understand, and I wish you a lot more safe walks through the park.

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