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It Wasn't Him

Posted by raw&burnt , 21 February 2010 · 26 views


I was at work one day, a few months ago, when this Iranian man came in to make a purchase. He was a decent enough man, but his accent triggered me. I felt nauseous and my knees wanted to buckle. I hated that he reminded me of my perpetrator, that any Iranian man will have this affect on me, that my association with Iranian men will be the guy who ruined me. I feel powerless to heal and to even make a difference about other rape victims.
I (maybe I wrote about this already) was at a food court when I saw this man walk past. At work we have a posting of a rapist to watch out for, but here he was, strolling through the food court, looking for something to eat. Who knows how many of his past victims were in the very same mall, maybe even spotting him and having a horrible reaction? I wouldn't know what to do, except maybe call the mall security or something. I did nothing. I was frozen to my seat. I wondered if I should have taken a photo with my blackberry or something? I even saw his photo in a newspaper a few months ago, seeing his name. This freaked me out in that I'm thinking about what kind of man this is. It's just weird to see a criminal in front of you and they're just going casually about their day. Who knows if he had a mundane sort of day, or if he violated someone earlier, or will do so later?
I hate that he's in my head. I have my own trauma in my body that's impossible to remove, now I have this guy in my head.
Sometimes I feel I should come here everyday and just type endlessly about this. I'm afraid of finding a real person to talk to about this because I'd drain myself of this memory onto them and I'd scare them off.

I'm most thankful for this website.



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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.