The word came at me and made me realized that that was wanted from him.
I wanted all the people who told me that he was a decent guy to have a strong argument, but all they could say was, "He's a decent guy". After what he did to me, anything and everything about him was trumped by his abusive act, and his old self was dead to me. This new person, this being who thought that I "was saying no", but I "was losing", became real and was who I knew.
Nobody could convince me that he was a good guy, that he was decent or that he was a good friend. You can't convince anyone that their perpetrator is good; you can't cast a good light on your abuser and toss away what you knew about them. They might as well have said that it's normal and perfectly okay to abuse you and that you're just being a big suck about it.
If he had said or done something to redeem himself then I'd have forgiven him, but being arrogant and unremorseful about his abusive actions disgusted me. I never wanted it, I never liked it and I never consented to him. To me, he was a complete liar and everybody who's blind loyalty went towards him was completely ignorant. The world was divided into two: the ignorant and the malicious, and there were times where everyone was both.
As far as I'm concerned, he meant to hurt me by his actions and his words. He didn't care that I didn't want/like/consent to it and he knew he could get away with it because of people's ignorance.
These are my obsessive thoughts.
There's a local performer, one who also performed in "The Vagina Monologues" years ago, who writes books of poetry dealing with her sexual abuse. I almost want to talk to her for some help, but she's very religious and her posts mention god and all that. For her it works and helps her through, but I'd want to trust someone that won't tell me what I should believe and that I'm a heathen, etc. I don't need another people to betray me. I feel like I can't go to anyone. When I think I can, a reason pops into my head and I get scared. I don't need the trauma to go any deeper.
I haven't been here in a while. Boy does this place look different. Then again, I think I came here just last week or so, so how did it change so quickly?