Entry No.10Explore what being dissociated or "checked out" is like for you. What happens in your body when you dissociate? What do you say to yourself internally?
Actually, I hum a lot. I realize it's something I automatically do without planning. I've played back video tapes. and it's distracting to hear me humming while watching it. I associated it with being on a cloud, opening a door and entering my imaginary safe area. I'm not part of the reality around me and I'm actually younger. The molestation created that, but the rape intruded and even has that occupying my safe little room. I also find that when I'm bored, I have sexual fantasies, but the rape interferes with that too, like that asshole is waiting out of my peripheral vision and then pounces in. I don't even feel safe in that area anymore. It's like I have to stay present or else. I'm being threatened to be present, but I somehow mentally and emotionally crawl into an even smaller space.
How can you recognise this state for yourself? How could a partner or friend help you recognise it? What would they sense or see in you when you dissociate?
I forget what my surrounding are; I'm not focussed on what's around me. My thoughts become self-absorbed and I'm in my head too often, thinking about my worthiness. I question who I am, if I'm imagining things or if I'm going crazy. I get stuck in certain thought patterns, ones that've been repeated here and other diaries. My muscles get stiff when I should relax.
What do you have to gain by living an embodied life? What do you have to gain by having an embodied sex life?
I'd feel worthier. I'd feel that what I said matter, that I wouldn't feel so fake when it comes to seeming self-confident. I don't know how true to myself I really am. I wonder if I'm just compensating to hide my inner child. It's like, the more I suppress my inner child, the safer I assume I am when really I'm preventing the pain from emerging. The only part I fear is the pain of crossing over to that side that has the cure. I can't help but feel that if I wasn't violated that I'd be a better person. To make yourself mentally/sexually/emotionally better is a risk in that you have to share your feelings with someone and that frightens me. I think that's what intimacy does; if there's an opportunity for intimacy, I get scared because it could tear me open and cure me. It's like getting hit on the head and losing your memory. Would you like to get another painful blow to gain it back? I haven't attended to this section of my blog because of the emotional fear I feel. I don't know how I'll cross over to the other side without fear. I can't just jump into a pool and not know how deep it is. Hell, I can't jump into a pool, period!
List three ways you can begin to re-enter your body, or re-associate. What embodiment practices are you willing to take on regularly?
Physical excersize, talking about my feelings with someone I trust and make all diary entries more positive towards my journey.