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Hello, my name is raw&burnt

Posted by raw&burnt , 27 February 2009 · 11 views

I wrote this when I first registered in December of 2003. I've been here a long time, and when I went searching for my topics and entries, I found this and felt nostalgic. I thought I'd add it here.
I'm new here, so I guess I should make myself known.
I'm 35, living at home with my parents again since last year. My history of sexual abuse goes way back to when I was a little kid. I remember some kid, Raymond, who use to just take me into his room, lay me down onto his bed and simulate intercourse without actually penetrating me. I thought it was some sort of playtime at that age, somewhere around 5 or younger. Later, when my parents would hire a babysitter, she would sometimes have one brother or the other babysit when she couldn't. Both of them, individually would tell my brothers to play hide and seek then take me up to a private place where they'd put me on top of them to simulate sex. It was teh same as the other boy who was a bit older than I, but I didn't enjoy it and really didn't understand what was going on. I can't remember how long this went on for, but one time, one of the brothers ejaculated on me and I cried. I told his sister what happened but I don't remember what came of it. The other brother came into my bedroom one night, while I was asleep and tried to pull off my panties, but I awoke and scolded him. He had the nerve to sit on the bed and pretend to cry, wanting his way, but I was way too tired and just wanted him out. Also the first brother wanted me to go upstairs with him while I wanted to go outside with my brothers and friends, but when he wouldn't take no for an answer, I bitched him out. He just sat there, acting wounded, but I went outside with my friends. My parents still see them as good guys, eventhough I've never told them. I know they'd never believe me or get justice for me. I don't think they'd know the proper way to help me heal.
On Christmas morning, 1997, I was raped by a neighbour and friend when he insisted I go into his room with him to help him with the christmas turkey. I repeatedly said no, tellling him I was a vegetarian. He wouldn't take no for an answer, so I went to check on it. Once I got in there, he asked for a hug then proceded to insist we have sex. No matter how often I pushed him away or said no, he wouldn't listen. He went to say something, then stopped, and when I wanted him to finish, he hesitated: I should've realized that he was lying to me, conning me to have sex with him. He even said, "I won't have sex with you unless it's consentual", to which I'd say, "No, can I go now?" At this point, he wanted to talk about it and had me sitting in his lap. I hate myself for even doing that, for he'd grope me and I'd push his hand away, saying"No". He revealed that he saw me with my girlfriend on the dance floor and then tried to bargain with me into a threesome. I still said no. He said if I was a lesbian, he'd leave me alone but if I was bisexual we could have sex. I'd just slept with one girl and I didn't know what to think. I knew he wasn't taking no for an answer. When I said no for the last time, he said, "You're saying no, but you're losing" , then laugh. I feel like I gave in and let him rape me, like I gave myself unwillingly because I was sick and tired of being pressured and was afraid that if I actually broke away that he'd hurt me. Who knows when he'd have done? He might've spread rumours about me anyway.
Two days later, he want to talk to me, to tell me that it was consentual and that it was the best sex I ever had. He wasnt listening to me. The phone rang and when he went to answer it, I left. I couldn't cry.
There's so much more crap that happened: the secondary wounding of friends doubting me, protecting him and discrediting me. I finally phone the police on him, and when the detectives called me in and told them my testemony, he says, "What makes you think it was rape?" I felt insulted again. It didn't matter what I did, everything was against me. I felt humiliated adn worthless. Any attempt to get any justice was thwarted by my so-called friends and the law didn't think I was important enough. I live with the incident and the after-math until this day and I hate living with it. I know I have to live with this for the rest of my life, but I can't have any peace. I hate being in my raped body and I hate living with it. I hated the reactions of ignorance and betrayal. I told my mom but all she can say is, "Well, just don't think about it", which doesn't help.
I came here to hopefully find some closure before I go completely insane. I don't want to live with this anymore. I can't. I don't know what else to do without being scarred again. I dont' know if I'll ever be helped.

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