Loving The Internet.
Reminds me of this comedian who came to my high school many years ago. One of my classes, I forget which one, showed a video of this counsellor/teacher who was a very funny stand-up comic. He eventually came to our school and did the same routine and I think some added stuff. I wish I knew his name, because he mentioned this one girl being depressed and suicidal. She goes to her mom and all her mom could do was give her her credit card. As shallow and meaningless as it seemed at the time, the girl went shopping and realized how much better she felt. I'll never forget what her said her utterance was:"This was a temporary solution to a permanent problem". Now I'm thinking I quoted that wrong, but sometimes the littlest things can take you away from your pain. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem or something like that. Eitherway, my Blackberry gave me joy for about a week. I found a website [http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/] that I've added to my links column that I read awhile ago. I was reading it and there was so much sympathy in it that I didn't receive in so many past incidents. The last therapist I visited simply said, It's not your fault and this made me cry because finally someone cared enough to say the words I needed to hear, whether he meant them or not; he's a therapist so he doesn't have to care but accomodate those who need an ear.
I watched the [http://www.oscars.com] on Sunday and took notes, but beforehand was the Barbara Walters Special. She interviewed Anne Hathaway, someone else whom I missed, and Mickey Rourke. Barbara brought up the fact that he'd contemplated suicide, and the words he said were the words that have crossed my mind so many times: "I don't want to die, it's just that sometimes I don't want to be her anymore to endure the pain". That's not an exact quote, but I've felt that so many times, and whenever I research depression, ptsd or suicide, that's a running theme that comes up. This made me like Mickey Rourke more, because you don't often hear famous people talk like this, and that no matter what depths you've hit, you can rise up and be nominated for an Oscar.
Also, I don't know if I've ever confessed this, but I talk to myself when I think no one is around. I've been doing this since I was a child, and I've realized a long while ago that I feel I can't truly talk to anyone else and that talking to people I conjure up makes me feel safer, like their trust will never be broken; I have some serious trust issue if I'm talking to my imagination. It's not made-up people though. Out of lack of creativity or imagination, it's people I know. Depends on my mood. Sometimes it's people from work, people just from my life, other times in the past it's characters from tv and movies. I don't think I've ever mentioned this to any living human or written this down in any form at all, ever. I wonder when this will go away, but I'm 40 and still conversing openly with nobody, with people I'm imagining are listening to me. I think of the people in my life, past and present, and how they've reacted harshly, ignorantly, maliciously, oddly and loudly. So much insensitivity out there. I've been accused of being a suck since I was very young, and because I obviously hate that, I've turned to a more trusted source with my feelings so they don't get hurt. I may be talking to myself for the rest of my life.
I don't know why I'm mentioning this now. I guess the need to bring it out of me in some form that isn't too revealing made me do it, the need to get it out was there and this venue was chosen. My other online diary I don't think is trustworthy enough, and to tell anyone would only be the worst thing for me to do if I wanted something to push me to suicide. I'm so thankful to the imagined people I talk to. If I didn't have them, I'd be dead by now.
I want these feelings to go away someday.
I'm still heart-broken. I hate this. I hated that I've ever wasted my feelings on someone who didn't want me to have any for them. I hated that I fell for a man after I'd declared myself a lesbian. I hated that I fell in love at all. I hated admitting that just now. I hate that all the negative feelings I have are for myself and that any I feel for anyone else just brings on guilt and shame on my part. I'm always feeling like I have to abuse myself like this, that I don't want to inflict myself on anyone. I fear sometimes that I'll kill myself; I've thought this many times and haven't done it, but this weight I carry with me won't unload.