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Entry 11

Posted by raw&burnt , 03 June 2008 · 19 views

1. Where do you fall on the scale of aversion/compulsion? List three instances when you avoided your sexuality and/or list when you had compulsive sex.

When I first moved away from home, it was then I discovered my need for sex. It was only a month and a half that I lost my virginity to a boy. After he gave me the whole, "I'm not looking for a relationship" line, I felt that I needed sex to feel worthy. I didn't understand the relationship or even the casual sex theory: I just wanted to feel close and not so detached from everything. I must've wanted to associate rather than dissociate, and I thought sex would do the opposite of what its abusive effects had on me. All I felt was even more worthless and used. My lust for women was always denied and pushed aside whenever those feelings came up. I rationalized them out of my system, thinking I needed a man to cure me, thinking heterosexually. I came to a point where the option of sex with a woman would be on the table. I had my heart broken and felt betrayed when a friend who knew how heartsick I was over some guy, went after him. He knew how I felt about him and went after her, under my roof. That was the sickest feeling I'd ever felt, the humiliation in total reduced my appetite, and I didn't care if I died that day. I physically felt something snap in my chest, like my heart breaking, or something within giving way. My view of love wasn't the same anymore. Hopelessness followed me. When I discovered women finally, it was the best physical sensation I'd ever had, plus it was also scary to feel emotional about a woman. The gender got in the way, but my feelings felt more genuine, felt reel, like the feelings I wanted to feel for men but didn't. Anyone who believes that sexual orientation is a choice doesn't understant their own. Before I was raped, I was hanging with the guy who eventually violated me, taking him to a lesbian bar. I always blame myself for taking him there; he told me to take him there one day, just because some of the other neighbours had gone and he wanted to see what the fuss was about. When he saw me dancing with the girl I lost my other virginity to,

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