Entry No.5 Take a look at your own attitudes and biases regarding sex. Make a list of what you think is healthy and not healthy regarding consensual sex. Discuss your list with a friend. Be sure to include issues of sexual orientation, what you consider appropriate sexual expression for women, fantasy, monogamy and nonmonogamy, abstinence, anal sex, religious beiliefs, bondage, sadomasochism (S/M), cross-dressing, etc. This is an opportunity to explore your own beliefs about sex and sexual expression. Where do these ideas about sex come from? Where did you learn what you believe? Is there more for you to learn about anything on your list? Do you know anyone who practices any of the consensual activities that you listed as "not healthy"? THis is an opportunity to explore and learn more about your own beliefs and values, those you want to keep and those you may want to change.
Well, here we go! As far as heterosexuality was concerned, I use to think it was something to hide behind so no one would assume your relationship failed because of sexual preference. If you were judged, it was because you were stupid or mislead or delusional as a person, but as far as homosexuality was concerned, that was considered the only reason you failed. You could go out in public and express your love for your partner, as long as it was a heterosexual one. For women, I always had issues with that. The little feminist in me had thoughts of why we should take the man's last name, or, what really bugs me, and I've noticed this time and again, is that whenever I see a young couple, the guy walks ahead of the girl, and in groups, the girls lag behind, keeping in step of the guy who's in front! This is another millenium and shit like this is happening! That always stands out to me as wrong! Am I the only one noticing this? I don't like religion's rules of how a couple should be, in any religion. Anytime I learn of a tidbit of religious dogma on a marriage between a man and a woman, I want to punch someone. I see those labelled as "Sluts" as assertive more than victims of men's desires. There's a part of me that wishes I didn't care about what others thought if I had sex with whomever I wanted or with how many and at a frequency higher than you can imagine. There's always something that washes over me though. I feel dirty, judged and blamed. The idea of sex in the immediate future, I don't know who it will be with, but I fear it'll be a bad choice. I've never had sex partners that actually stayed around, but I think of them and realized that I wouldn't want to have them as part of my life anyway. There's some people you don't want to wake up to for the rest of your life, or those who you'd never introduce to your friends and family to. Why would I want their personalities passed onto my future kids? When I think about it, compatibility wasn't an issue, just a sense of togetherness in a lonely world. I remember noticing that my dad had some porno magazines. Not playboy or hustler, but skankier variations. I remember feeling excited about it, but somewhere down the line I felt bad for feeling that way. At some point I thought that was no good, that I should be with men. I tried to reroute my thinking. I think it was when I'd be the new kid in school, wherever we moved to, and I wanted to fit in with the other girls who drooled over boys. I will always feel like an oddball. To be heterosexual was a way to fit in and feel included, like an exclusive club. To hear sexual slurs tossed around made me realized that that kind of desire brought on hatred and humiliation, and I couldn't afford that. I didn't outwardly know of anyone who admitted to being gay or lesbian. Other than that, I felt like I was asexual, like my desires didn't matter, that sluts fulfilled their desires while good girls fulfilled men's desires. I've tried anal sex: not too comfortable for me. Not my bag, man! The idea of bondage scares me! I'd rather do the bonding. Cross-dressing: I've performed as a drag king before, but it didn't turn me on, only amused me to feel like a parody of masculinity and the lies it foists upon men. Made me examine my gender and I'm definitely female. As far as I know anyway. I think if I were born a man, I'd still have gender issues. I wonder if I'd be gay? If I'd have a different relationship with my brothers? Or even with my dad? My dad was rough on my older brother. I've also read the 2 books, The Hite Report on Female Sexuality
& The Hite Report on Male Sexuality
. Let me tell ya, the male one traumatized me! I was shocked and still disgusted with what men think of women. Makes me think they never respect us, no matter what our sexuality, our strength, whatever! Makes one scared of men. Now, I'll move onto the next chapter in this book: Desire & Pleasure