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Building Internal Safety.

Posted by , 11 April 2005 · 31 views


Second Entry of This List.3.Practice building an internal sense of safety. What sensations and feelings in your body give you a sense of safety, settledness, or resourcefulness? Where do you feel that now? Whenever I'm alone in my room. When I'm by myself, I feel like I'm myself, that I'm whole. When I'm out in public, I feel like I'm wearing a disguise or a mask to hide who I really am. I know about the social masks that everyone wears, but mine feels like a shield to protect my inner child. The walls are up. I always feel like people can see right through me. When I'm not hungry, thirsty or feeling broke: feeling my appetite is satiated, that I have a sense of financial security, that I don't need sex, that that sense of loneliness isn't present. Feeling content to be alone, making jewelry, laughing with friends, talking about acting, movies. Right now, articulating my thoughts helps to clarify the fog in my abstract brain. I've had my breakfast and don't need to eat yet. I haven't had sex for 2.5 years and have no yearnings for anyone, nothing serious. I look at what I call Eye Candy, anybody that looks good, but I know I don't need to act upon these feelings. Not because I'd feel bad, but it's a want that I can do without rather than a need. It's good to tell the difference. I think I'm afraid of arousal and it's consequences. Sex has been trouble for me and I want it to mean something else. I also feel safe when no one is in the house while I'm writing these thoughts here. My dad came in awhile ago, but was oblivious to the exact nature of my typings. Since he's left to pick up my mom, I'm safe. The doors are locked. I also read somewhere in the 48 Laws of Power that isolation is dangerous, and I wish I lived by that law, but I have to evolve to that state.Someday............



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