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The Media Bastards!

Posted by , 08 April 2005 · 14 views

After I came home and crashed for a few hours, I awoke to my tv. I always turn it on as soon as I arrive and turn it off as soon as I leave. There was a segment on some news show about the supporter who sided with Kobe Bryant's victim. The interviewer was biased in a passive-aggressive way, acting like she's asking perfectly legit questions like, "Have you slept with the defendent?", and "Would you have the opportunity to give a truthful answer this time?" I defended everything he said. She was infuriating. People like that are so offensive and have no idea how damaging they are.There are times when I think about the idea that someone would lie about such a think to extort money from someone, but then, no matter who violated you, no matter the severity of it, you'll be crucified. I use to wish that if it were any worse, that my friends would believe me, but I think of it now and realize that even if he had a gun, even if I ended up dead whether by accident or on purpose, they'd still insist on his innocense. It seems that if you get raped, you're seen as putting yourself in that situation, which is so stupid. Unless you've been there, you have the privilege to say ignorant things like this. Something triggers a person to humiliate and belittle the victim in a situation like this, especially when they don't know what happened. Even as I awake, I feel like I'm being followed by violation stories, that this theme will dog me forever. Sometimes, for a fleeting moment, I think, just think, of suicide, thinking that I'll erase the impending future of obsessive thinking that I didn't do enough to obtain justice. How do you take an experience like this and twist it to your advantage? How to you make lemonade out of this lemon?Some people have said that I'm not very revealing about myself, that it's hard to get close to me. I know that once I start to unload, my baggage will pour forth the filthiest laundry and nobody wants to be dumped on. I'd have a hard time moderating how much to cough up. It's either I talk about it until I'm spent or I don't talk about it at all. Some people would assume I'm happy-go-lucky and find use their mental thumbscrews to squeeze out what I'm hiding. I hate when I'm being manipulated and when people try to piss me off. It almost turns around and gets backhanded so they get pissed off. I love this diary. I feel I can vent better than the other one. I still love the other one, but I try to hold back and at times be amusing. There've been days where my crap overflows and my baggage gets away from me. Sometimes I feel I have to justify and apologise for who I am. I'll always regret any mistake I've ever made that caused great disaster and dissatisfaction. No matter what great feats I accomplish, they can't erase what I've done.One of the symptoms of PTSD is irregular sleeping patterns. It's late, I should be in bed by I can't get tired after that nap. Although, I didn't have any coffee this morning, so I get sleepy. Must cut out the caffein.When I came home the other day, it was late out and the outside light wasn't on, plus the outside storm door was locked! Only my dad does this. He's more paranoid than I am. I was so angry. Whenever he does this, and he does this unapologetically, I ring the doorbell to irritability and burst in bitching about it. My dad doesn't respond at all, doesn't apologise, shows no remorse, so I know he'll do it again. It pisses off my mom too, but dad doesn't care. Today, when I was coming off the bus, I phoned home from my cellphone to check and see that the door was unlocked so I wouldn't have to get all worked up again. I think I really did that just to be irritable, if my dad had answered. I should've phoned from work, but I went downtown to my favourite vegan restaurant.Must surf the internet more.

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