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Should Is a Bad Word.

Posted by raw&burnt , 29 May 2007 · 7 views

Several months ago, probably late last year, my mom wanted to add a pomade to my scalp, so I sat in front of her in the livingroom. The tv was on and there was a grown man who played hockey as a little boy confessing that his coach molested him. I got uncomfortable. My mom caually asked, "Did that happen to you?" I felt so ashamed of what she'd think of me so I didn't answer: I was frozen there. Finally, I quietly said yes. "Who?" she asked. I just said, "Babysitters". She claims she'd have done something about it then asked if it also happened to my younger brother. I didn't know and said so. For all I know I was the only one. Don't child molesters prefer one gender? Anyway, I felt so uncomfortable around my mom all day. I think my dad might've overheard but did or said nothing about it. Late at night, when I knew mom had gone to bed, I went into her room to give her a goodnight kiss when she put her arms around me, saying, "I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. I'd have done something about it".

I would love to believe that, but since the past is so far away, I have no reason to believe she's saying that just because she would have or because it's the thing to say.

Next month, at the Winnipeg International Film Festival, there's a film about sexual predators and they reveal why they do what they do. I want to find out what makes a person want to do something so horrible and justify it to themselves in order for it. Sometimes I sit on the bus and think about who's on there. Is it someone who's molested or raped or both? Is it someone who was molested by the same person I was? It's like a have this violation cancer on my brain and it's not growning but staying the same.

I also realize that throughout my life, I've perceived myself as a victim without being to conscious of it and wonder if I hadn't been violated if I'd still perceive myself the same way? How might I have turned out if it didn't happen or if I'd reacted differently? I wish I were a different person. Sometimes it's what life throws at you and I don't catch things the way I should.

I hate that word: Should.

I am just now discovering all these blogs about sexual abuse. I feel the pain of your "shoulds." I think you are blessed to have a loving mother, though obviously you "shouldn't" beat yourself up about not telling her. Maybe she can be an ally for your healing now. I am at the stage of my own healing when I have opened the door to the experience that happened 45 years ago! I can look inside the room but I can't go in. And I wonder if I ever can because of the shame. I am working with a therapist who is completely patient. However slow I have to go is fine. I am usually in my head when I am talking with her but I can't feel about him, the him being my father. Here is something that I wrote last night:

I was 5 when he stripped me to punish me for playing with matches.
He stared at me for a long, long time.
Then I became invisible.
I flew above the trees in the backyard and lived in my head
I became so strong.
And so vulnerable at the same time.
He never paid attention to me again but did really weird things to my sister in the bedroom we shared.
I thought he loved her more because he did more things to her than to me.
He made me what I am today:
I want so badly, for people to hold my pain.
But then I reveal too much and I feel shame.
Shame it is an ugly thing.
I hate it.
Maybe I should hate him.

Keep moving. Debra-Lynn
Yeah, I beat myself up so often. Once you've been abused, you're use to it, and when it's not happening, you inflict it upon yourself.

Great poem.

Hope you're alright.

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