Should Is a Bad Word.
I would love to believe that, but since the past is so far away, I have no reason to believe she's saying that just because she would have or because it's the thing to say.
Next month, at the Winnipeg International Film Festival, there's a film about sexual predators and they reveal why they do what they do. I want to find out what makes a person want to do something so horrible and justify it to themselves in order for it. Sometimes I sit on the bus and think about who's on there. Is it someone who's molested or raped or both? Is it someone who was molested by the same person I was? It's like a have this violation cancer on my brain and it's not growning but staying the same.
I also realize that throughout my life, I've perceived myself as a victim without being to conscious of it and wonder if I hadn't been violated if I'd still perceive myself the same way? How might I have turned out if it didn't happen or if I'd reacted differently? I wish I were a different person. Sometimes it's what life throws at you and I don't catch things the way I should.
I hate that word: Should.