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Posted by raw&burnt , 29 May 2007 · 6 views

I don't feel sexual enough to be anything. I don't feel lesbian, Heterosexual, Bisexual, Transsexual, anything. When I discovered my lust for lesbians, I felt I came close to my sexual expression. Since moving back home however, I've been so repressed about who I am. So often I want to move out, but I'm scared of the outside world too much to leave my parents roof. I'd love to be 100% out of the closet and have it not matter, but it does. Maybe someday I'll feel comfortable in my skin, but I don't. I don't feel comfortable in my skin, period.
I performed The Vagina Monologues and invited my family. My dad was offended and saw it only as Man-Hating. He only saw what he wanted to see and when he tried to get out of me if I was a lesbian, I acted like he was ridiculous. It's like, the day he dies, I'll feel liberated, but there'll always be a reason for me to hide my true self. I'm not sexually active anyway, so what's the difference? The idea of actually getting it on with another man just frustrates me. I saw this porno on a similar take-off website on YouTube called YouPorn and there were some lesbian scenes but I also liked the double penetraion scenes with one woman and two men. I don't know if I'd want two men or two lesbians with dildos. Sometimes I wish I never had sex, especially with men. Sometimes I wish I were completely Asexual. Is it possible for one to be that? I mean, there are all sorts of sexualities and all sorts of people classifying themselves in different offshoots of identities that it's possible. I mean, are asexuals just labelling themselves with that label out of frustration, from traumatic experiences or is it legit?

I am glad to be logged onto here, unless there's a lurker on here who thinks we're all messed up. Who would be so dismissive? There are all sorts of awful people out there who, when they don't understand something, they come up with a label that makes it easier for them. I've done that to the people who dismissed me as a liar to get money out of the guy that raped me. As far as I'm concerned, they're sexually frustrated men who don't know what turns on a woman, so they only fantasize about rape, and when one of their own does what they didn't do, they secretly applaud him and deny it was wrong at all. They want to believe that women want to really be raped and when she cries out, they delude themselves so they can allow it to persist. So often, I want to write a script about all of this, but I'm too afraid of what the criticism will be. It'll be too sensitive for me to reveal and to have any negative comments about it will hurt me like the skeptics and the rapist did. I'll be opening up myself for ridicule.

Many times, when I'm afraid to do something as an actor, when a role seems too much for me, I feel afraid but when I actually do it, it's cathartic. In life, I just don't go ahead with it.

Someday I'll bust loose of these self-imposed shackles.

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