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from under this ice...

Posted by , 14 March 2005 · 131 views

i try not to let the anger find me... i try not to let the rage creep in. i am still in disbelief that he would be so disrespectful as to inject himself into my life once again. i'm still reeling from his prescence, his CONTSTANT intrusions into my reality... i guess it just wasn't enough for him. and he has a woman now. its been many years... the fire burns inside of me and i am afraid that this secret THAWS. i want to tell her.more than anything. i want to scream it. i want to tear through the illusion and replace it with reality... but something stops me. it isn't fear of retaliation. i am NOT scared of him anymore- just let him try to step to me. its HER. she did nothing. she puts so much effort into the life that she created. it is evident in her flowers and holiday decorations. it shines from the outside and she has great pride in her house and her life... and i guess her man...she did nothing to me and yet i hold the key to so many unpleasant things... i hold the TRUTH. perhaps it would be spiteful to tell her... perhaps it could come against me, cause me harm... truthfully- i don't care anymore....all i can think of is that every man i have ever had a relationship with has had to deal with the ramifications of that night. it isn't fair that he gets to hide it... this outweighs my concerns for her. by far.i'm just crazy enough to do it... there are more than enough opportunities... so many times when she is there and he is not. so easy to knock on thier door and deliver a letter into her hands... perhaps even the evidence kit detailing the injurues i sustained during his assault. the worst thing that she could do is sue me. i'm beyond caring. i would happily accept it as it would give me the chance to say my piece to a judge about him being there in the first place. i would be willing to pay the consequences for this action...and yet i haven't actually done it. despite of will, desire and opportunity.am i dreaming? am i vengeful? am i lost? could he expect any less moving in across the street from my parents?...doing nothing is destroying me.sparrow

(((((sparrow))))))) (((((sparrow)))))) (((((sparrow)))))
i know many times that i wanted to tell j.'s gf what he had done to me.
i never did..i'm not sure why.
i wish i could offer more advice or comfort. just know that you are a wonderful, wonderful woman and i'm keeping you in my thoughts.
much love,

July 2016

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