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i still have dreams-nightmares about the idiot. i dream that my husband gives me back to him. i don't fight, i just go. andy says that he wouldn't ever do that.
i have a recurring dream that i am lost. i wander around and around. i don't know where i am or who i am. one minute i have something in my hands and the next, i'm running around looking for it. i know it sounds stupid...i think it's just me thinking that something will happen to scare everyone in my life away. it's like i can't find myself.
but i guess part of it's true. i have never been my own person. i've always been what everyone else wants me to be. maybe the time has come in my life to find out who i am and what i'm doing here.
i need to put the past with the idiot behind me...but for some reason, i just can't. i feel like i'm just dangling out on a limb somewhere waiting for someone to come along and snap the branch.
i go in for another sonogram tomorrow afternoon. i hope the fluid around my uterus is gone. i hope she fixed it on the last visit. tomorrow morning i'm going to work and then have my massage.
i think my youngest has it right. she has been doing things for herself. she tans, goes to the gym...she does stuff she likes and she knows what she likes. i'm almost 38 and i know nothing about myself except i'm scared to leave my house anymore.
maybe one day.....