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Again it's been a long time since last time I posted... why do I keep forgetting to write something down? I do remember I promised a friend of mine to keep a diary of sorts... he insisted I did it so I wouldn't forget him again or any of my friend like it happened before yet I keep forgetting and my usual excuse is I didn't have the time but let's face it, of course I had the time! After I injured myself I've had a lot of time to think, overthink and do nothing... I can tell I'm not ok yet I've been unable to really fix whatever is wrong, I've been able to pin point some of my issues and kind of fix them but nothing is permanent, nothing lasts long enough for me to feel free or weighless... in the end this brings me a sense of idk... maybe failure? and after spending a day doing mindless things I sit down infront of my computer and decide to do other things than writting down my "pathetic thoughts"about my life.
Lately I've gotten myself into a sort of pattern, similar to the idea of a schedule anyone would have when going to work, get up, have breakfast, change go to work, work, eat, work, go back home... so my schedule is alike, I get up, feed my puppy, eat breakfast, bath, change, clean and organize stuff around, walk the dog, cook, eat, check emails and webs, maybe design something (if posible considering my poor emotional state), then my husband comes so we walk the dog again, go to the gym or he goes to practice Kendo and I stay at home doing a loop of checking the web or reading something, come back home, eat and finally going to bed.
This is everyday life... and even thought walking the dog and going to the gym relax and help my injured foot is not the same as the fullfilling life I lived before the acciddent, I felt like I was walking towards a goal now I feel stuck in the same point, lost in time but when I realize 9 months have passed by and I haven't achieved shit to be proud off.
All this has already frustrated me enough yet I have a lot more to stress about, my family back in Peru ain't doing so well so far, they have sometimes small sometimes big economic issues, then my grandfathers gets depressed, my brothers fight, my mother gets depressed, my father gets angry, my grandmother gets depressed, my parents fight for the nth-time... I just don't know for how long I can take the pressure of trying to help tied up here in Guatemala... then of course here my husband and I have been having trouble of our own, we fight a little less but we still fight over silly things, then we stress each other out with problems, basically because of me... he gets upset because I'm upset and I'm left with the idea that I'm guilty of something that I cannot fix since I cannot fix myself... and of course this whole shit comes down swirl around my emotional psychological issues, those issues my parents gave me like my little self steem and my useless agressive attitude and those issues that come from the... rape.
It's become quite difficult to handle right now, I've tried many things but my sensibility has not come back and I feel quite useless... I feel terrible and I can't do anything about it, even thought I've tried to work it out it's not coming to an end, in any case it's getting worst... the emotional stress is not helping and since my husband has begun coming tired from work we do not do much... well, this kind of relaxes me a little since I don't have to force myself to do anything but it still upsets me because I feel left alone or something... I'm not really sure I can really express all my thoughts about all that I've been feeling lately, I'm too tired and too affected by the whole thing to be able to do that much...
I've been having weird dreams for some time now... I wonder what they mean, those are usually when I oversleep or take a nap, it's like I cannot sleep more than my schedule allows because I begun having really weird creppy nightmares about my family or friends or even unknown people, about zombies, mentally ill people, fires, floods, assasinations... and what not, my mind seems to be against me sleeping more at all, I usually wake up feeling uncomfortable and down so in the end I have to do something to cheer me up or refresh myself a little like taking a bath, cutting my hair or piercing my ears... maybe play with my dog... it's become quite complicated.
Oh well.. . I wrote a little and I feel... the same.. I'll write again tomorrow
nighty night everyone
Lately I've gotten myself into a sort of pattern, similar to the idea of a schedule anyone would have when going to work, get up, have breakfast, change go to work, work, eat, work, go back home... so my schedule is alike, I get up, feed my puppy, eat breakfast, bath, change, clean and organize stuff around, walk the dog, cook, eat, check emails and webs, maybe design something (if posible considering my poor emotional state), then my husband comes so we walk the dog again, go to the gym or he goes to practice Kendo and I stay at home doing a loop of checking the web or reading something, come back home, eat and finally going to bed.
This is everyday life... and even thought walking the dog and going to the gym relax and help my injured foot is not the same as the fullfilling life I lived before the acciddent, I felt like I was walking towards a goal now I feel stuck in the same point, lost in time but when I realize 9 months have passed by and I haven't achieved shit to be proud off.
All this has already frustrated me enough yet I have a lot more to stress about, my family back in Peru ain't doing so well so far, they have sometimes small sometimes big economic issues, then my grandfathers gets depressed, my brothers fight, my mother gets depressed, my father gets angry, my grandmother gets depressed, my parents fight for the nth-time... I just don't know for how long I can take the pressure of trying to help tied up here in Guatemala... then of course here my husband and I have been having trouble of our own, we fight a little less but we still fight over silly things, then we stress each other out with problems, basically because of me... he gets upset because I'm upset and I'm left with the idea that I'm guilty of something that I cannot fix since I cannot fix myself... and of course this whole shit comes down swirl around my emotional psychological issues, those issues my parents gave me like my little self steem and my useless agressive attitude and those issues that come from the... rape.
It's become quite difficult to handle right now, I've tried many things but my sensibility has not come back and I feel quite useless... I feel terrible and I can't do anything about it, even thought I've tried to work it out it's not coming to an end, in any case it's getting worst... the emotional stress is not helping and since my husband has begun coming tired from work we do not do much... well, this kind of relaxes me a little since I don't have to force myself to do anything but it still upsets me because I feel left alone or something... I'm not really sure I can really express all my thoughts about all that I've been feeling lately, I'm too tired and too affected by the whole thing to be able to do that much...
I've been having weird dreams for some time now... I wonder what they mean, those are usually when I oversleep or take a nap, it's like I cannot sleep more than my schedule allows because I begun having really weird creppy nightmares about my family or friends or even unknown people, about zombies, mentally ill people, fires, floods, assasinations... and what not, my mind seems to be against me sleeping more at all, I usually wake up feeling uncomfortable and down so in the end I have to do something to cheer me up or refresh myself a little like taking a bath, cutting my hair or piercing my ears... maybe play with my dog... it's become quite complicated.
Oh well.. . I wrote a little and I feel... the same.. I'll write again tomorrow
nighty night everyone
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And again...
on Oct 08 2012 12:45 AM
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