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Better?

Posted by Zeith , 20 June 2012 · 58 views

It's been some time since I wrote something down and in comparison I think I feel a little better but am I?

My husband says he feels I'm going back to who I used to be, stronger, decided and what not but in the end I still feel lost, I still feel unbalanced... so, what's true? Am I really getting better?

It's not like I've fixed anything, I still have the same problems in bed with my husband and with my subconcious, I feel definitely better because I'm walking better and that gives me a little more freedom around the house but I'm still stuck inside this 4 walls... well, more than 4 but I've always been a creature of wandering, walking, running, doing something here and there, that's one of the things that have me crawling everytime I get a job but at least a job keeps me doing something outside the house, even if this house is my home I don't feel comfortable been inside it all the time, I need to do something outside... and at the same time I feel the energy to do things is sliping through my fingers every morning.

Waking up late... later than usual at least, moving around the house like a zombie for a couple hours, then ACTUALLY doing something like washing the dishes, organizing or cleaning... then the computer, I draw, I write, I read... but I feel like I'm not doing anything in the end because there's no purpose or something like that.

What I'm I doing? What I'm I doing it for?

After we lost Yukiko (our dog) I started feeling quite empty and soon after I broke my leg and lost all inspiration to draw... no, that would be a lie, I didn't lose my inspiration I just lost the conection between the world of fantasy and amazement in my head and my hands... it's like the link is broken, I no longer have the ability to create something outside the walls of my head, maybe because I'm unable to change the world outside of my house... or I don't know... I no longer have an answer to what's going on or a way to fix it, sincerely a bigger issue for me is this... What I am without drawing? Is there something else as a purpose for me in life, other than drawing? I haven't found it yet... if there is something else and what if I don't want that?

Many time I've thought about a different life, a life without the complications this passion brough me, I've had my mother and father and teachers and everyone else and the dog against me and my drawings, often I found myself afraid of moving forward because I could hear their voices telling me it was all a waste of time, telling me I would never make it, but honestly I most of the time ignored them because it doesn't matter, because knowing it won't be easy doesn't make it better or doesn't take away the need to take a pencil and a piece of paper... THAT WAS ME, the line and dots created over a blank canvas, the colors, the textures... ALL THAT WAS ME and now it's those voices 10 times stronger, pushing me back, stopping me before I begin anything... and sincerely, this is not me.

Am I getting better or worse? Am I settling with what I have, what I can get?

I've considered a life without my "passion" and it's often an idea of working as a manager or assistant 'cause I'm good with data and computers, I've always been good at editing, controlling, adjusting, fixing... I would be good for many things, but would it really make me happy? I often considere this options but then I think of when I'm 50 or 60 and see my grandchildren, what would I tell them? What about the magic I dreamt about when I was a kid like them? What kind of example would I set for them if I gave up on what made me incredibly happy? Not to mention, would I blame them? or my parents? for the decision I made? All because I thought it would be easier? I rather not

Then again, I find myself in this situation... having so much troubles and issues around me I cannot fix and I still have to keep moving forward, keep writting, keep thinking... keep drawing... How can I do it? How can I go back to that part of myself? I used to be able to move forward no matter what... Now I'm stuck no matter what I do...

Help is an understatement of what I need...

The last psychologist I saw told me I was evading the issue, the key one she said... that all my technics to cope and keep moving forward were just a way for me to avoid addressing the big issue, because everything could be okay, because everything was fine, but the moment those technics failed I would fall back and lose everything I had built... she was damn right, but I haven't been able to go back, see her and talk to her... so what do I do on my own?

Last resort is going to be reading more... since I haven't been able to find the information I want and the books I need on the internet I'm taking advantage that my husband is going to the city on saturday to spend a little time on the University's library, I hope that helps a little cause he goes there 2 times a month, I would have to wait another 3 weeks before I'm able to visit the library again... I must take advantage of it.

Also I hope this will help me relax and connect with my husband a little, I really don't know what to do with him, I love him of course but I'm still really stressed about what would happen if I don't fix that issue soon, I've heard this problems cause divorce in most cases before the 4th year is over so... I have to do something, I don't want to lose him. Hopefully reading will also help me with this.

Anyway, let's hope for the best and wish me luck >.<!! I'll need it.



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