Pandora's Aquarium: How it should be (Don't read if you're under 18) - Pandora's Aquarium

It's been a long time since the last time I posted something here... probably because my life has become quite a drama... so hectic and stressful.

Again with problems, my family is leaving Guatemala; my mother and sisters left last month and my father and brothers are leaving next month, I cannot keep my cat Milkshake so they're taking him to Peru with them, I lost my dog Yukiko because we didn't have the time to train her and accompany her so she was becoming quite aggressive to other dogs becoming a problem at the condo, not to mention during the last 4-5 months of her time with us she became an economic burden due to medical bills for other dogs... those she liked biting. I broke my leg driving the scooter; a woman tried to pass me... I was trying to change lanes from right to left and CRASH! I've been crippled for 2 months already... lost my job and... I'm having trouble with my self security and love.

With all this happening in just the first few months of the year I've been feeling pretty insecure and unstable, to the point were I had to talk to my sister in law about my... selfmutilation issue, just in case I needed help during an episode... or something. It helped talking to her but I'm still dealing with the loss of my independence and economic stability, not to mention how useless I feel to others, being unable to even cook dinner for myself or wash the dishes has left my husband practically alone in doing house chores and all... not to mention work has been hard on him lately and that only created more issues with me, with little time... we barely saw each other, talk to each other or had some quality time together, I couldn't help but feel alone and drifting away from who I was... I couldn't even draw during this time, as if my mind couldn't comunicate with my hands... as if all my capacity, talent and imagination were leaving me for good (more like bad, really).

And to top it all of... I'm having real issues with my sexual life.

In the begining with Keitaro, my first boyfriend I did it ok... he was a jerk and too self centered to bother much about me (like helping me cum) but I was too blind to see it and took my time trying to learn how to please him and satisfy him in everyway possible. He was a real dush... too concerned about what other people said, so we didn't get any further than oral sex and I have to say it was ok... on one side I enjoyed it and in the other I wasn't sure if I was capable of more, a couple insidents told me it would be complicated for me to actually do it so in the end I thought it for the best.

Now... my second boyfriend and current husband was something different; he had had other girlfriends and experimented a little so he had quite a few miles more than me, when I felt the right connection with him I decided to go all the way with him. He was/is kind, gentle, considerated and at even thought at the begining I had a few panick attacks I actually enjoyed doing it with him, we connected really well... when people talk about cheamestry and all that well, they are defining what I had with him, it was PERFECT.

But only for so long... because like a year after we started having the first "problems" while having sex. At the begining it was just lubracation, I wasn't enough lubricated at the begining and we had to take some more time in foreplay to make it, then trouble continued when I started to experience pain at the begining... as if it was my first time or something, the pain would die down eventually but sometimes it was really painful... and it only scaleted from there; my mind would get distracted over anything, I would feel good but no matter what I wouldn't cum, I felt irritated down there quickly after we started or too sensitive on my clit to the point of pain, I would get disgusted or sick because of different odors, like the smell of food we recently ate or sweat or the smell of sex... anything or the taste of anything... and the sweat, now he seems to sweat a lot during sleep and the smell and feel is horrible I feel sick and wish to tear my skin off or puke... I feel terrible, almost to the point of having a panick attack, just by been touched/grazed by him while asleep and sweating and it doesn't change much during sex, often he sweats and most of the time I feel the same sickening sensation on my skin and my throat...

Thing is... I've thought about this a lot. Have I lost all lust and love for my husband? Have I lost all craving of sex? Maybe I'm just not straight... maybe I'm gay or something. But no, aparently I cannot hold a long lasting relationship with a girl, sure I could tease and taste and all with a girl but nothing more than a one night stand... and even thought I tried surrounding myself with other hot guys... I don't feel anything for them and I still feel something for my husband. More than just something, I bought a vibrator to help us and enjoy on my own and most of the time when I'm feeling frustrated for not cumming with him I use the vibrator and think of him... of the things we've done together... then, WHY? Why is this happening to me? If I crave for him so much, why can't I have sex with him like before? like normal people?! like it should be!! Now I can't even cum on my own with the vibrator because I can't concentrate... the feeling just goes away...

Everytime I don't finish I'm left feeling frustrated, incomplete and hurt... because he doesn't really do things to displease me... it's MY FAULT I DON'T CLIMAX... and I leave him feeling insecure about my love for him and his masculinity, he thinks is because of him when even thought he tries things just don't work... I mean... SH*T!! even the way I caress myself feels different than the way he does it... it's like his hands have glue and it's not a soft caress what he does but instead his pulling my skin a little... and his fingers or tongue feel like they had acid cause they sting when they are inside of me... and its not normal... IT WASN'T LIKE THIS BEFORE!

I love him... he's everything to me... and I'm feeling so helpless right now. The other night I even had a bad dream... a night mare that my twin sister was going to have a baby with him because I couldn't give him one... I mean... F*CK?! I don't even want kids right now..! but it's the thought that any other girl can give him a satisfaction I cannot give him now, I feel I'm failing as a girl, as a wife and as a lover... what can I offer him now? I can't provide because I have no job, no leg to go to work with, I can barely cook or wash the dishes... what now? I can't even have sex with him?! it's not fair...

I tried to think it was physical.... a problem to be solved with pills or something... but it's getting to me the idea that perhaps... it was that F*CKING thing that happened so long ago... that I have yet to bury and that's never going to let me live my life..!!! I mean F*CK! that's already taken half my life... I don't want it to take my matrimony and my happiness...

I'm afraid someday he'll realize how much trouble I am and how easier it would be to be with any other girl... all this has left me feeling so tired, lonely, broken... like nothing I do helps...

WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

There's no money or a car to take my limping form to a sexologist or a psychologist right now... and I don't really have someone to talk to about this... I honestly don't know what to do... I'm scared... and worried... and so depressed... I've had days I haven't been able to get up of the bed... I just lay there... for hours... sleep away my time, my life... to ignore this pain I feel, to feel numb again without having to cut my arms to get it... I feel so powerless right now.

I do hope to fix this soon... I want to end this... feel better and live my life fully... I mean, I don't even remember what happened; I was too little and blocked it all away... it shouldn't affect me so much... but it has... it does...

Somehow... I have to fix this