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It's 15th September and here in Guatemala is a holiday, the celebration of the Independence of Guatemala, history would say differently about the date but it's ok, people like it anyway.... and I got a day off so it's cool... I wish I had this day off on the 29th of July cause it's my country's Indepence day (Peru) but this is fine, I got to sleep until late and that's good.
Fer has been coming home so tired and frustrated, problems at work and I can't do shit to help him, it's so depressing, sometimes I feel my presence and feelings are not enough for him, I wish I was an engineer like him, you know... to be able to give him advice or something of what he could do... or something, instead I'm left with the "everything will fine, have faith" kindda "advice" which isn't wrong or anything but it's not what I wish I could give him... cause in the end it's not useful.
I'm on "salbutamol" right now so I'm feeling strange, my vision is acting weird and my heart is racing so my hands are a little shaky to be able to write well.... but I wanted to let go a little.
Writting is one of those things I hated at the beginning, you know... my first psycotherapist requested me to write a journal, to keep track of the things I do, then said I could start writting stuff I thought or felt, but it was really weird, it helped thou... specially because I was so obvious in my writting, she could easily tell when something bothered me because of the way I wrote it. But with time it became something pleasent... sort of, because writting it is a way of letting it out, considering I suck at "crying" writting is the best I can get to let the pressure out.
I've been feeling down and under pressure.... again this past 2 weeks or even before. Because of my grandfather's illness and then his death, my parents traveled back to Peru to attend the funeral... then I got a full time job, which means I have less free time, less time for house-chores, less time for graphic design... then less time for Fer... and less time to sleep...
I feel so tired!! DAMN! it's hard... like leaving 2 different lives at the same time, trying to also prepare for the wedding, spending time with my sisters and trying to spend time with my future inlaws, specially with Fernando's sister Mariarene... she's so good to me, so kind and helpfull, it's like having my family from Peru back... I guess that's why I fight so much to have the time to be around them, they are the only family I have now, I don't want to loose them and I want them to like me... which is complicated for me considering how not outgoing and antisocial I am... DAMN!
Reading my bible helps... but's been complicated to relate to christianity or God... since I stopped going to church and had this horrible fight with God, it's not like he "fought back" it's more like a one sided thing, me yelling at him and he patientely waiting for me to calm down and get to talk some sense into me, which happened a while ago, now I feel better but it's not posible for me to go back to church, even now that I'm in peace with God and my ideals it's complicated because the "religion" is the problem, not God, not christianity... it's about the "religion" because "religious" people tend to see things one way and one way only, limitating their reality to what they think God wanted for his creation... I mean, how would I go back to church when they believe I'm commiting a sin by making love to my fiancee? or how can I go back when I know they think my sister is an abomination because she's a lesbian? I mean... I've sufferend enough persecution in my life already.... to be hunted by people blinded by their "religion"
Ahhh.... it's a lot of pressure to have all this in my mind... and the "salbutamol" is not helping my body relax... it's only making it difficult but what can I do? if I don't use it I'll be right down the lane to "Asma Attack" in a few hours... xP
Good thing Fer's mother is helping us with the wedding, so now Fer's not so stressed about it, that's one thing off of my shoulders too. But I wish someone came to this house (my parents house) and put some order here..!! it's unbelivible how much I want to run away from here... it's just that my brothers don't care how much in a disaster scenario they live and how much my sisters lay back because my parents aren't here, I mean my little sister is keeping up with her chores but my twin sister is a mess herself and it's depressing to come everyday see in what state the house is and how they don't care. She (my twin sister) attaks me for everything but she doesn't do much... she wakes up at 11 or so and sits down to draw and loose time on Facebook... while I wake up at 6 to make breakfast for everyone, then bath... dress up and go to work; work hard, get out at 5pm, take a 1 hour bus ride to the bus stop for "Peronia" then take another 1 hour bus ride, to finally take a mini-bus half hour ride to the gas station... then walk to my fiancees house where I finally sat down and try to work on my designs...
Not to mention I should make something for dinner, maybe visit my inlaws family and walk our dog (my fiancees and me akita) and Fer comes home annoyed from having a rough day at work... try to calm him down, watch some t.v. while he sleeps, then go back to my parent's place where I have to prepare for the next day, maybe fight to ignore everyone elses bitching about me... until I fall sleep at 11 or 12
Yeah... my sister is a martir or something just because she goes to sleep at 1am because she's talking on the phone or internet with her boyfriend, maybe wasting more time reading mangas or books... wake up at 11am, draw, loose more time, wash the dishes, then waste more time, then draw some more, then wash the dishes... maybe sleep a little, go out with friends, draw some more, waste more time.
She's suffering so much.... (remember to read all this with a sarcastic tone)
Ahhh..... I wish someone could come and wake her up!!! for real!! for my family to see what they are doing... I'm sick of this feeling, like I have to run away from here, like my only choice is to run away... I don't want that, I want to move out... to get married and move out of the house with my head held high... not to run away, people whispering about the reasons and my parents talking shit about me to my family in Peru, like I would run away because I want to waste my life doing stupid stuff...
I wish there was another option... but patience...