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I'll remember you... I'll always love you

Posted by Zeith , 10 September 2011 · 50 views

It's been a week and I still feel like shit... stressed, worried, going up and down this emotional roller coaster of mine...

Something... terrible happened last week and sometimes it still bothers me to think back and wish for something different but I cannot change the past and I cannot wish for something better than what happened.

My grandfather died... my mother's father died.

Why? the answer comes in 2 different ways...

First, he was suffering from "fribosis pulmonar", it had developed so quickly, so easily, in a few months he was so sick, last week there was barely enough oxygen inside his lungs to keep him alive, he was loosing conciousness from time to time, barely eating, barely living... I came back last saturday to see my mom crying in front of the computer, my family in Peru were taking him to the hospital, the oxygen marker was marking 0. He didn't wake up... he lost conciousness after my mom talked to him on the phone and didn't wake up.

On the other side... why? HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?! no matter how much I explain this to my heart, the science and the natural flow of life... inside there's a better way, a perfect world where he wouldn't have gotten sick... there's not... it's just... unfair... so unfair... why?... WHY?!

I went to church, prayed, thought, meditate... came out feeling better but it's been a week and my soul is still shaken by this.

Do I still celebrate my wedding? I mean... how to I present this to my grandmother? people say a wedding would make her happy but I just can't stop thinking of how it will remember her he's not there and it will remeber me how much I wanted him to meet Fer... so WHY?! it was so soon... but I know the things are the way there are for a reason, he was very sick, depressed, suffering... it was better and I cannot "wish" for more than what I got. He died peacefully, surrounded by his beloved wife and older son, so... can I wish for more? no... but I wish I could... I still feel so sad and left alone in the dark...

I've focused on what I have to do, work and take care of things, about the wedding, about my VISA and about my family, friend and Fer. It keeps my busy, makes it harder to think about anything... especially taking care of Fer... well, he's difficult and all so it's really good for this, also I have a responsability with my younger sister and twin; the've been feeling down and have no means to change that so I have to take care of some stuff, be strong for them and all... particularly my twin sister, she's too emotional and cries so easily... sometimes I envy her, I cannot cry... I just don't usually cry.

Well... it's been difficult; my parents flew to Peru for the funeral and I stayed with my brothers and sisters, got a new job with a difficult new schedule and what not... 1 hell of a week.

Aaaah... this is the moment when I say I'm going to be ok, that I'll get better and all but it's hard... so I'll just say I'll live, one day at a time.

have a nice weekend everyone!! remember, eat healthy and have 1 or 2 bad eating/drinking habits XD

June 2016

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