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Anniversaries

13 July 2011
Posted by Kwanfan  
Well we "celebrated" our 15th anniversary yesterday. I came home from work about 5:30 and he arrived shortly thereafter. He had forgotten our anniversary. Somehow we get into an argument about money UGH, and I just left and went back to work. I stayed at work until 1:30am, long after the night janitors left. I had no interest in coming...
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Posted by Kwanfan  
I am so close to a breakdown or has he already broken me down? I am on the verge of tears constantly. I cannot take it anymore. The crappy thing is that I cannot even call the crisis center to be admitted for a breakdown because this is where I work. Get this, I work for the local community mental health center. I help others manage their lives...
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I still feel silenced

26 June 2011
Posted by Kwanfan  
My husband is still silencing me, hurting me in the night, taking me when he wants. Sometimes he allows me to say no but when he doesn't, I am silently taking his pain that he gives me. I cannot talk to anyone about it, cannot scream no, cannot make a fuss. I am silenced and knowing this makes me feel so worthless and unloved. I function, I...
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My poems

26 June 2011
Posted by Kwanfan  
I wanted these all in one place. So I am reposting to my blog

YOU WON’T LET ME

I want to move on, but you won’t let me.

When I feel like I have moved on, you drag me back just a little bit so that my feet are still touching the hole that I tried to climb out.

I will never get out of that hole.

I want to move forward, but you won’t let...
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Posted by Kwanfan  
I am sleeping in the bed. He comes in quietly. I guess he is quiet because I don’t hear him come in. He was out late drinking. I wake up to him ripping off the blanket and jumps on me. I struggle to kick him off. I am bucking and trying to use my arms to get him off me while I am also kicking my legs trying to make contact. He hits me in the face...
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So ALONE

07 October 2007
Posted by Kwanfan  
I guess October is significant to me and so I wrote this stuff down tonight. Some of it may be repeating what I have already said but more details emerge and some of it is new. Just general thougts I just sort of started writing and let the thoughts flow because I could not hold them back. Tomorrow, I will stuff it all back in again. Anyway the...
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Blame

10 September 2007
Posted by Kwanfan  
It was someone I knew, always someone I knew. First a neighbor boy one time when I was about four. Second, my ex boyfriend or ex partner (whatever you call it) many many many times over the years, Third, a man who was a friend of my husband one time after we briefly dated and six months before my husband and I got married. Hard not to blame myself...
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more truths

09 September 2007
Posted by Kwanfan  
By the way, remember the boy in high school, the one who called me Angel? I did not sleep with him. I might have, had considered it, giving him my virginity, he wanted to, but he cheated on me with my best friend. Go figure. I am way over that (it seems like a lifetime ago ;) ), but maybe at the time, it hit me hard and caused me to think it was...
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A new truth

07 September 2007
Posted by Kwanfan  
I have been feeling down lately. Very depressed and can't seem to shake it off. It is not as bad as other times, but longer lasting. Which is worse?

So now here is some more of my story.

I met Teddy when I was in college. I was 18 and he was two years older. He seemed different than other guys and perhaps that is what drew my attention....
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Beginning My Story

08 August 2007
Posted by Kwanfan  
OK. A friend said I should write out my story again, and again, and again, as many times as I feel like it.
So here goes. I am not sure I can do this all at once. For one, it is too painful to remember again all at once and for two, new memories crowd in all the time.

Here is the beginning. When I was four years old we had neighbors. The...
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