my spirit: free as the wind blows...
my story is no different then yours, it is a common tale, one of betrayal and so much unharbored anguish that time to time has revealed itself over the years-yet, i have persevered as a strong ship that has sailed over turbulent waters, it has never been a smooth sail, just one thing for certain: i belong here, i have a purpose...i spoke out about my abuse to protect a younger cousin and i didn't realize how harrowing that experience would become, to this day haunting me as if i did the wrong thing! gosh, it would be one thing if that child who i sought out to protect was still in the picture, but sadly so, she's not-i had a fallout with her this past year on my b'day-her mom had exploited my abuse to people continents over and made it seem like it was the best gossip yet to know! after years, i learned this and i didn't respond very well-having very little that is considered private, i felt that this little bit of privacy was due to me and by her revealing something so deep, so ugly , only made me look even more vulnerable-when i confronted her mom, she went into a rage and said some very unpleasant things-to which my cousin just supported her mom-lovely isn't it?
as far as the pedophile is concerned, no charges were pressed to "protect the family honor"- i wish i had done this because over time, he and his wife have been frequenting places that my family has gone to- or been to upcoming weddings! by the way, the others that do know about what happened are his brothers! this pedophile is unfortunately my mom's brother-
what i buried behind, what i forgot, what i moved on from, was something like quicksand, where the other uncles just kept blindly, and lending a deaf ear, continued to interact with this sicko! and continued to add to the humiliation that i worked years on to rebuild my ego, my self esteem!
i hit the breaking point over this past weekend where i just cried and couldn't stop bawling, not out of self pity but because of the deep seated rage and anger that sits deep within-this past april, i saw my perpetrator after 13 yrs at my aunt's wake/funeral-obviously i couldn't flee the scene, coz there were others that don't know about what has ensued-but i'll never forget the look in his devious eyes, still taunting me, and his wife too, his apprentice that continues to move around social circles as if nothing was wrong-no harm was done! i have cut my ties with my mom's side-i voiced this earlier today to her sister-who has been supportive of this situation-and realizes that this situation has gone too far-
i am still in my last phase of grad studies and i can't be bothered with this right now-yet, i do know that i can sleep at nite not having him at my bedside trying anything anymore-i know i can see myself in the mirror and not feel like a hypocrite-coz that's what his family has been all this time-covering up sins of the past, with more ignorance! i know i am free from this burden and not anchored behind iron bars-my soul has always been free-and my perpetrator hasn't been able to destroy my spirit-he may have destroyed my childhood and at times i do have terrible reminders of simple things that a child would enjoy-how he made references to my body as compared to the baboon's backside! yes, how demented and twisted can one be? how he used horror flicks to start the game of abuse-when i was 9-and i innocently watched movies for what they were-how he coerced me into doing things with him for "rewards"-how he got angry that i wouldn't succumb to his advances out in public yet secluded shopping lots-now, after 20 yrs, i still can see it all picture clear-what i endured and where i am heading is a haven, a sanctuary for me to just be at peace-and i will grow in strenghth by those of you who have shared a common story, a common pain-