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November 13, 2012
I so badly want to try and get the idea of my life right. I so badly want to make sense of everything that is going on. I so badly want to just feel like a normal human being. Yet no matter how badly I want these things the reality is that many times this will not be the case if ever. I am realizing how hard it is for me to deal with anything and everything anymore. I know part of it is exhaustion which will be dealt with when I finally have more than one day off, but the other part really is to do with I am tired of feeling like saying here I am beat me up with more words today whether you mean to be vicious or not, it still hurts. I am trying so hard to try to please everyone but the honest truth is that I am tired of trying to please people. I am tired of feeling like I am constantly a failure to everything.
God I know that you have given me a new freedom, but honestly everyday gets harder to believe it anymore and yet I keep pushing myself to do so. But seriously God, when is enough enough. Honestly I bought my mom a gift for her birthday and Christmas out of excitement, now realizing it would truly mean nothing to her. No matter how much it is hurtful I know that there is nothing I can do but just toss it to the side and say forget it. God I would like to go home, but yet I know it would do me no good. I would like to give her just one gift and yet I know that it will never be possible. I would like to have one conversation without degrading, but yet at the end I am considered worthless.
Honestly sometimes I wish I could just get a thick skin and be done. It is three years and I am no longer going to say anthing about any of this. I will keep my mouth shut from now on because no matter how I put it I know that what she says are lies but the honest truth is I just want to be loved…………Does anyone get that?
Well it doesn’t matter from this point on…………………………………QUIET!
I WILL NOT LET THE TEARS FALL
I WILL NOT LET PEOPLE KNOW
I WILL HIDE THE SCARS
I WILL KEEP ANYONE AWAY
I WILL TRAIN MYSELF TO NOT BE AFFECTED
NO MORE WILL I ASK FOR HELP
Honestly, will someone ask me how I am doing instead of always needing me. I am one person and honestly if someone asked I wouldn’t feel so lost………………….can anyone hear me? I guess not. Well goodnight world.
God please help I am ready to start my eating disorder and cutting again and I know that those are not the way to go…….PLEASE HELP!!