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I can not seem to take control of my life though I wish I could.
I try to take control in so many ways including si, ed and along with it trying to pack my schedule to hell amounts. Everyone thinks I am crazy for trying to take 17 credits worth of classes (five 3credit courses, two 1 credit courses) two classes for no credit, two jobs, protestant worship planning, counseling, and clubs. Now add on to that list the reporting the assault. People thought I was nuts for having such a packed schdeudle before the assault occurred but of course I didn't think anything of the sort so I did it. Now I feel so out of control that just to control something I was going to add a gym course to my schedule. I finally had to be told no or my friend would tell the head of student development to make sure not to allow me. I am fucken crazy or am I needeing to finally just go away. Why do I try to control my life by controling things that really does not matter in the end. Who the hell is crazy enoughto put themselves through so much stress. Who the hell would want to do such a thing like I have been accomplishing to do.
Am I crazy????????? I may never know.
Why is it I can take care of others so much more than I can take care of myself. I lack sleep so much at this point. I am so numb and feel so dead and gone but as soon as a friend asks for my help I will help them. I have no care about myself just care about my friends. Ok after all of this I must be crazy for sure.
Why is it that I can not watch tv with out being triggered. Even watching a commercial about a couple having sex is so overwhelming that I start to cry. It is so annoying that I get triggered so much and so easily. I know that it is only coming close to three months since the assault. I know that the assault has brought up many memories from the past expecially of my mother's boyfriend. I wish that I could make sense of everything but I know very well that that may never be the case. I just wish I could feel better about this all together.
Feeling numb sucks so bad but than again can I seriously do anything about it. Probably not. I need to go to counseling when I get back up to the states and get back to school. I also need to go to health services and figure out what I need to do along with find out if they can prescribe me some sleeping meds before I seriously go dead from no sleep. I may not feel fully happy anytime soon but I am going to try and put my emotions down.
Oh well, Enough from me.