I spent a few times thinking about it and trying tto let even NO leave my lips but my mind just locks up my throat and nothing comes out.
At night I think it is because it is quite so someone will hear
Daytime, it is because everyone is awake so someone could hear
The stupid thing about it is that with the doors closed you can't hear most peoples TV unless they are cranked up, so I SHOULD be able to say it.
I got to angry at the bank after they ended up taking over 1/4 of my income for "overdraft protection" and after getting nowhere with anyone since I was trying to have the option
just for them to DECLINE anything that I have no money for and foubnd out there was no such thing and even though the FIRST one that started the ball rolling was put BACK
into the account the next day they kept it and added 2 MORE for single $1 charges from the magzine rollover that was part of putting the money back.
I ended up passing the guard and stupidly saying, I am so glad I don't have a gun right now. still steaming and holding it all in I passed a cement garbage can holder and full force
slammed my cane against it, causing a nice bend in it too.
security guy called that day, I called back described everything apologized profusely, and never heard a thing back, so I though we were ok, until a month later I could not deposit my
big check of the month.. It turned out it went higher up and since I was not depositing thousands of dollars they killed my account (then sent me a letter that said I could not go into the bank,
but I since I had to get my money out I had to break that stupid thing)
Ended up later that day at BofA with a "student" account no fees, and 3mth of matching any change I get into my savings account, so better system (plus they are only 2blocks away)
I Had a strange revelation a couple of weeks ago, after the last time I have ended up somewhat changing from someone who was on one extreme of the reaction scale (looking/seeking)
to the other end (closed up, afraid to go out)
It has been 3+ years and I have not done anything, yet I want to, I have just not been able to get out and go to any of those places.
I THINK it is because after he did it he found me a couple of more times where I was camped out with others, and started/tried to "o" me and I felt there was nothing I could do since it
would have attracted attention.
Even though I was i the same place, I think the fact that I could not get away from him just enhanced those fears/feelings and I have ended up now with the conflicting reactions to everything that has happend
to me throughout my life
Good thing about the journal right now is that she is fine with her reading it at the beginning of the session and going from there, so it might be ok to let some things out in there
Thinking of posting for help for the "split feelings-emotions" and for help in how to open my mouth and let sounds come out here when I am alone