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I wish I could turn off my brain, or at least 3/4 of it. I think too much and feel all the wrong things at the wrong times. Maybe its boredom. Thats killing me I know. For those of you who don't know it, I'm on house arrest. Its driving me fucking nuts. I don't understand how this is supposed to help me... When I was put on probation I was supposed to work at my job (which I now have had to quit), become active in community activities (had to quit my two tennis leagues), was supposed to keep up with my NA meetings (can't go and no one seems inclined to have a meeting at my house), was supposed to build a good network of friends (can't babysit my friends little girls now) Oh well. I guess the state wants me to whither away and die, which is what I feel is happening.
Now I just feel trapped. I had a bad flashback two nites ago and still feel shakey from it. Laying around all day doesn't help. I think I did a months worth of cleaning and house work my first day on the monitor. That gets old fast.
Lonliness is killing me. I need my partners, but they are busy with each other and their own lives. I feel like I'm being left behind. Even my "clients" (yeah Im an escort) have kind of shunned me. I'm sure having this big thing strapped to my leg isnt in the least attractive. I made my business work by going to them, so being stuck as pretty much killed that. I had to quit my regular p/t job beucase I didn't have regular hours.
I feel like a tiger in a cage, pacing, laying down, pacing some more, getting a drink, laying down.